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The X-Files Character You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign

These days, conspiracy theories are a dime a dozen and border on cartoonish in their absurdity, especially since nine times out of 10 they are poorly disguised plagiarisms of vintage sci-fi shows like "V." But back in the simpler, pre-Google times of the mid-1990s, before network television viewers realized how completely inept every government agency is, the idea of a shadow government secretly covering up a national treaty with alien enslavers felt somewhat plausible.

With its complex mythology iceberg, oodles of "will-they-won't they" sexual tension, and enough peak '90s fashion to fill a small UFO, "The X-Files" was one of the most gripping and innovate science fiction series ever made. And with the recent declassification of unidentified aerial phenomena (UAP) documents by the U.S. director of national intelligence, the series may be more relevant today than ever before. To find out how you should dress for the impending alien invasion, let's take a look at which "X-Files" character you are based on your zodiac sign.

Aries: Langly

If you celebrate your birthday dinner between March 21 and April 19 each year, add a band shirt to your Amazon wish list this year because your "X-Files" character is Richard "Ringo" Langly, founding member of The Lone Gunmen. Like his antiestablishment buddies, the long-haired Langly is a heroically geeky conspiracy theorist whose tech interests and distrust of the government come together for the good of the human race. As an Aries, Langly is naturally opinionated and enjoys going against the grain.

While growing up on a Nebraska farm, Langly always had an independent streak that drew him to computing, and he connected to the world through his family's old TV. Two of his heroes are Captain Kangaroo and Joey Ramone, who Langly holds in high regard for never letting the system drag him down and refusing to sell out. Like other fire signs, Langly is naturally drawn to risk-taking behavior whether it's hacking into the DMV to get a handicapped placard for his tinnitus or running his own bootleg cable company. Even the name of his "Dungeons & Dragons" character, "Lord Manhammer," is a testament to Langly's bold personality.

Taurus: Walter Skinner

The bulls of the zodiac, folks who celebrate a Taurus birthday find their kindred spirits in FBI Assistant Director Walter Skinner. Ruled by Venus, this earthy earth sign may seem all business on the outside, but he's not afraid to chillax as needed with a glass of wine and a decadent bubble bath. Like all Taurus bulls, Skinner is comfortable in one look and one look only, but he wears it incredibly well. The Hermione Granger of the X-Files project, Skinner is always using his mental prowess to bail his agents out time and time again.

While he might look like a desk jockey, Skinner is actually a full-grown badass in disguise. Like many Taurans, Skinner's dependable nature and solid friendship are his main headlines, but the reality is that this guy has seen some things that would leave most of his FBI colleagues shaking in their boots. After enlisting in the Marines on his 18th birthday to voluntarily go to Vietnam and accidentally killing a kid, Skinner did what he had to just to get through the trauma, telling Mulder that he was "no choirboy" and definitely "inhaled." While it's not always easy to tell what Skinner is up to, it's not because he's duplicitous or shady — it's because at the end of the day, he's the buffer between Sculder and the Powers that Be, playing both sides so they don't have to. Observant, thoughtful, and durable to the last, this guy deserves his own jacuzzi for always having his agents' backs.

Gemini: Fox Mulder

If you were born under the sign of Gemini (May 21 through June 21), you are paranormally linked to good old Spooky himself, FBI pariah and would-be UFO experiencer Fox Mulder. For this air sign, the rules of polite society and even physics themselves are only mere suggestions to be defied. Even though the FBI has stashed him away in a basement office where he whiles away his time deep diving into conspiracy theories and assaulting the ceiling with fresh No. 2 pencils, he still manages to look good while doing so. From his pseudo-messy hair to his fire engine red Speedo briefs, Mulder is unapologetically metrosexual and has no trouble reconciling his nerdier tendencies with his cool-guy vibes. One of the more adaptable signs in the zodiac, Geminis tend to go with the flow no matter what life throws their way, whether it's casually turning an unexpected partner sent to debunk the X-Files into his greatest ally or simply accepting the fact that for some reason he suddenly seems to have a waterbed in his apartment.

As a Gemini, Fox was not like other kids growing up and he's never been afraid to be himself. His first word was "JFK" and he cosplayed Spock before it was cool. While Geminis can be jerks sometimes and tend to be loners, everyone needs someone special to have their back, and Mulder is no exception. And lucky for Mulder, there's a gal whose power shoulder pads are strong enough to handle him and all of his sunflower seed shell-dropping UFO-obsessed baggage. Thanks to the twin nature of Geminis, Mulder has a charm that makes his weirder side endearing. He loves to argue with his soulmate Scully, who he calls his "one in five billion," because for Geminis, argument is the highest form of flirting.

Cancer: Jeffrey Spender

Conscientious crabs born between June 22 and July 22 will relate to the oft-abused FBI agent Jeffrey Spender. As a Cancer, he has a natural tendency to be private, and that's probably for the best since his dad is up to no good and his family tree is a mess. Cigarette Smoking Man's other kid and Fox Mulder's half-brother, Spender had a super weird childhood, as would anyone whose dad is linked up with a super-secret alien conspiracy. Poor Spender once believed he was a natural at climbing the FBI ranks; in reality, it was just the shady CSM hanging out behind the Syndicate curtain pulling the strings.

As a Cancer, Spender can't help but be a good guy even if he doesn't always go about it the right way. He's incredibly tough, having survived a gunshot and torture at the hands of CSM, whose attempts to turn Spender into a super soldier leave him badly mutilated. Crabs tend to take on the problems of others despite having plenty of their own, and Spender is no exception. He goes out of his way to protect baby William and help Mulder and Scully. Even after everything that he has been through, this loyal-to-a-fault water sign is more than happy to put on a bad wig and testify on Mulder's behalf despite appearing unrecognizably brutalized at the time.

Leo: Melvin Frohike

If you unwrap your birthday gifts between July 23 and August 22, your "X-Files" zodiac character is Melvin Frohike. Like all Leos, Frohike isn't known for his subtlety. He's naturally confident with his leather jacket and slicked-back hair, and he has every reason to be. Frohike looks just as great in lederhosen as he does in a bra. As Scully learns immediately after meeting him, Frohike is confident with women, but this confidence is more than warranted from a guy who once left a super-hot Latin lover behind. As a kid, Frohike dreamed of growing up to become the next Hugh Hefner, but his interest in conspiracy theories and skills with hacking and forensic evidence took him in a different direction.

Like all fire signs, Frohike craves excitement. He doesn't hesitate to break the law when it's necessary, and he generally seems to enjoy getting into various hijinks and shenanigans. Leos are physical creatures with natural athleticism, and Frohike is no exception. Not only is he great with wiring, but he is also an award-winning tango dancer with an aptitude for "Mission: Impossible"-style harness heists.

Virgo: Byers

Fans of "The X-Files" born under the Virgo (August 23 through September 22) will find a kindred spirit in John Fitzgerald Byers. Named for JFK, Byers dreams of a utopian United States where the late president was never assassinated. With his normcore business suit and childhood ambition of becoming a bureaucrat to help spread American-style democracy into every corner of the globe, Byers is a reminder that sometimes the most patriotic thing a person can do is question the government.

As Langly notes when the Lone Gunmen first meet, Byers' clean-cut, retrograde Atomic Era appearance projects narc energy. But like the best Virgos, his under-the-radar qualities are Byers' best assets, right next to his sweet ice-skating skills. A conscientious and intelligent earth sign with a natural eye for detail, Byers has a hard time relaxing but only because he knows the shadow government is tracking our money and possibly tapping the phones. Like his fellow Virgos, Byers is naturally driven by a sense of responsibility, one that led him to give up a promising career to join up with his fellow Lone Gunmen.

Libra: Well-Manicured Man

Well-Manicured Man is a fitting icon for air signs who celebrate their birthdays between September 22 and October 23. As the scales of the zodiac, Libras bring balance to the world just as Well-Manicured Man attempts to balance out Cigarette Smoking Man's unhinged villainy in the Syndicate. While CSM runs about wreaking conspiratorial havoc like a bull in a china closet, the conflict-avoidant grandpa WMM takes a classier, more politely British route, understanding that it's better not to draw unnecessary attention to the Syndicate. After all, if you're going to pull the strings of world domination, why not do it while enjoying a long walk in the park — even if your situation demands that any walks through the park must take place under the cover of night?

Libras always know more than they reveal, and few people in "The X-Files" understand this "less is more" principle better than Well-Manicured Man. As an understated Libra, WMM believes that "The best way to predict the future is to invent it." Like his fellow Libras, WMM tends to give advice pretty freely while secretly helping Mulder and Scully, even if there's a transactional quality to everything he does.

Scorpio: Cigarette Smoking Man

It should come as no surprise that Cigarette Smoking Man is a treacherous Scorpio (October 23 through November 21). Mulder's archenemy and also his real dad, CSM enjoys a fulfilling life of shadowy world domination as a founding member and leader of the Syndicate. Old school black ops guy that he is, CSM's hobbies include keeping the masses in line with "domestic unrest operations," assassinating political figures, destabilizing countries, threatening government agents, wiretapping Mulder, and chain-smoking Morley cigarettes.

When he's not taking calls from Saddam Hussein, dabbling in arson, moving the Rodney King trial, or getting the media hyped up over the "Anita Hill thing," CSM is prone to philosophical ruminations, at one point musing, "Life is like a box of chocolates — a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for." While this Scorpio is often domineering and ruthless, he generally manages to appear collected while doing it. Over the decades, he's had loads of practice projecting the image that he's completely at peace with his machinations and can coldly threaten Skinner or anyone else with death by a plane crash, botulism, or heart attack as if he is ordering lunch.

Sagittarius: Alex Krycek

Sculder shippers who blow out their birthday candles between November 22 and December 21 will find their "X-Files" kindred spirit in the complicated and oft-maligned Sagittarian Alex Krycek. While he seems like a bad guy for most of the series, Krycek is only trying to stop Mulder from bringing about humanity's early demise with his conspiracy-obsessed prodding. The child of Cold War immigrants, Krycek speaks Russian fluently and has competing alliances not simply because he is duplicitous, but mainly because he's a hot mess. Like other fire signs, Krycek has a natural aptitude for weathering obstacles whether it's getting the stuffing kicked out of him repeatedly by Mulder or having his left arm amputated by Russian purity virus camp experiment escapees.

Despite being the bane of Mulder's existence, with "Spooky" tormenting Krycek endlessly for his bad haircut, terrible fashion sense, tendency to spout off meaningless statistics, and generally poor decision-making skills, Krycek can't help but be in love with his definitive frenemy and only has eyes for him. As a Sagittarius, Krycek is perpetually impulsive, a fault that finds him bouncing from Syndicate toady to Russian operative to rogue operative. He even blows the perfect opportunity to off Mulder by kissing him romantically on the cheek instead.

Capricorn: John Doggett

Responsible Capricorns (December 22 through January 19) may find themselves identifying with the quietly handsome Special Agent John Doggett. As the mature adult of the zodiac, Capricorns are even-tempered souls who are motivated by duty. These are the folks who will watch chaos unfold all around them while calmly planted firmly in the eye of the hurricane, waiting for the opportunity when they're needed to step up and handle things. A hard-boiled detective straight out of a crime novel, John Doggett is a former marine and New York City cop with FBI buddies.

As a Capricorn, Doggett tends to be self-contained and less than open about his feelings, but he knows his strengths lie elsewhere. With his piercing blue eyes and strong and silent personality, Doggett is the picture of healthy traditional masculinity, using his position to support others around him without drawing attention to himself and always respecting his coworkers as professionals. While he tends to have strong opinions as a hardline skeptic, his practical side understands the importance of stepping aside and letting others do their thing.

Aquarius: Monica Reyes

If you were born under the water-bearer sign Aquarius, your "X-Files" astrology buddy is goth-lite Monica Reyes. With a master's degree in religious studies and undergrad work in mythology and folklore, Reyes is a literature nerd who doesn't mind telling anyone who will listen that her FBI specialization is Satanic ritual abuse. Aquarians are known for their unconventional ways, and Reyes is a quirky, free-thinking, borderline woo-woo cosmic girl whose literal dream assignment is working on the X-Files. While other FBI agents tend to be serious G-men who are at home in the hellscape of bureaucratic meetings, task forces, and file cabinets, Reyes doesn't give a lick about agency politics and has a lighter, happier spirit than most. Reyes can pull off a power suit with the best of them, but she prefers comfortable knits over fitted blazers and looks her best when dressed in black layered over even more black.

As an Aquarius, the flirtatious and magnetic Reyes understands her value and isn't threatened by other women, preferring to lift them up as she does with Scully, who she likes instantly upon meeting her. Reyes' intuitive Aquarius spirit is more than a little new agey — she believes the universe has cosmic energies and thinks of herself as sensitive to these energies. Equally a fan of "The Brady Bunch" and whale song, which she considers "mood music," Reyes tends to be a little bit different, but in a positive way that makes John Doggett one of her biggest fans.

Pisces: Dana Scully

If you celebrate your birthday between February 19 and March 20 each year, your Pisces spirit aligns with that of Special Agent Dana Scully. As a water sign, the scientifically minded Scully is known for her ability to keep it together when under pressure whether she's facing a carnivorous mycelial monster or a board room full of pasty-faced FBI bureaucrats. As Mulder quickly learns after she is assigned to the X-Files, Scully is trustworthy and professional. As a woman of science and a devout Catholic, Scully is comfortable with contradictions and open to changing her mind when faced with new information that challenges what she thought she knew.

A complex woman with an intellectual curiosity and plenty of internal contradictions, Scully grew up loving "The Exorcist" and "Moby Dick" equally. Like her fellow Pisces spirits, Scully excels at supporting other people, especially when those other people are Fox Mulder. While she's a serious-minded gal, Scully has a deadpan and sardonic Piscean sense of humor and downright surgical ability to deliver a sick burn.  And like her fellow Pisces, even when Scully doesn't approve of someone, she isn't likely to judge them — at least not out loud. With her powerful haircut and mighty shoulder pads, Scully is small but fierce and incredibly competent, whether she's conducting an autopsy, testifying before a committee, filing a report, or knocking the sense out of a monster-of-the-week.