5 Worst Vampire Movies Of All Time, Ranked

Like any film category, the choices for best vampire movie are both subjective and all over the place. For some, the most memorable titles remain the full-color, taboo-breaking thrillers made by England's Hammer Films in the 1960s; others prefer fan favorites such as "The Lost Boys" and "Blade." And still others consider indie vampire movies like "Let the Right One In" or "Nadja" their go-tos. 

By the same token, the worst vampire movies are also defined by personal preference. While most don't abide by the bizarre old Western horror fantasy "Billy the Kid vs. Dracula," others consider the three-time Oscar-winning "Bram Stoker's Dracula" to be one of the most overrated horror films of the '90s. We've scoured the movie graveyards and cinematic crypts for the most atrocious pictures about the undead. Join us as we drive a collective stake through the celluloid hearts of the five worst vampire movies ever.

Uwe Boll's current and unwelcome return to headlines with the antagonistic thriller "Citizen Vigilante" makes one wish for the days when he was known for punching out critics in the boxing ring and making some of the biggest video game box office bombs, including 2005's "BloodRayne." A hapless fusion of horror and sword-and-sorcery antics, the film stars Kristanna Loken ("Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines") as a vampire-human hybrid seeking revenge against her father (Ben Kingsley, of all people), a vampire with genocidal designs on the human race.

"BloodRayne" is only nominally connected to the Majesco video game series of the same name, and the confusion fans felt about the source material differences is echoed by the surprisingly high-quality cast regarding the movie itself. Kingsley and capable actors like Michelle Rodriguez, Michael Madsen, Billy Zane, Udo Kier, and Geraldine Chaplin (and Meat Loaf!) often appear visibly baffled or bored while on-screen; Loken, for her part, is asked mostly to wield a sword in a leather halter top, and succeeds in doing so. 

To his credit, Boll does deliver a lot of violent action and bloodletting, though it's often poorly edited and marred by leaden CGI. "Whatever minute newfound skill Boll exhibits behind the camera — and let me be clear, it's very minute — is predictably offset by his film's staggeringly incompetent writing, staging, special effects, and performances," wrote Nick Schager of Slant.

In the dreary, Orwellian future of South African director Michael Oblowitz's "The Breed," humans and vampires have forged an uneasy truce, maintained largely through the latter's change in diet to a synthetic blood source (a notion which, as writer/historian Kim Newman noted, debuted that same year in Charlaine Harris's "Southern Vampire Mysteries," which was adapted into "True Blood"). The status quo is upended when a vampire is suspected of committing a rash of murders, prompting a human cop (Bokeem Woodbine) and vampire crime stopper (Adrian Paul) to forge an uneasy partnership.

In the credit-where-credit-is-due department, 2001's "The Breed" has an impressive look, merging noir-styled photography and Brutalist-inspired locations for an appropriately foreboding environment. But the acting is alternately flat or hammy, the plot dovetails unnecessarily into twin conspiracy plots, and the team-up of Woodbine and Paul echoes more effective collaborations in "Alien Nation" and lesser films (and presages "Bright"). 

The Goth elements, best embodied by Bai Ling's increasingly absurd wardrobe, as well as genre nods — specifically, character names drawn from "Dracula" and "Nosferatu" — and parallels between vampire oppression and Nazi persecution get old (or offensive) in a hurry, and the effects and action aren't polished enough to make up for plot deficits.

We're not sure how vampires get roped into Satanic cults, but there have been a few films about this odd pairing, from Hammer's "Dracula A.D. 1972" and "Satanic Rites of Dracula" to the weird "Incense for the Damned" and "Nest of Vampires." None of these are particularly good, and the same goes for the 1976 Bay Area-lensed oddity "Satan's Black Wedding," which concerns a bereaved brother battling the devil worshipers that contributed to his sister's death. 

Its budgetary issues are evident throughout: amateurish performances, a meandering plot, wobbly keyboard soundtrack, and some very big, awkward-looking teeth on the vampires. "Razor blades, green shag carpet, and plastic fangs — all in a day's work when you're planning 'Satan's Black Wedding,'" observed Bleeding Skull.

In its defense, "Black Wedding" has a modicum of spooky atmosphere, but also (and more importantly) a mercifully short running time of 61 minutes. Director Nick Millard — the son of infamous exploitation filmmaker/distributor S.S. Millard — made numerous low-budget genre features in all ratings categories under a staggering number of aliases. His mom, Frances, was his frequent producer and cast member.

Read any review of 2010's "Vampires Suck" and the kindest thing anyone seems to say about it is that writers/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, makers of some of the worst comedy movies ever made like "Disaster Movie" and "Date Movie," focused their parodic taste towards one subject — in this case, the "Twilight" films" — rather than the firehose approach of their past output. That is less of a compliment than a harbinger; in short, prepare yourself for lots and lots of gags about sparkly and shirtless vampires.

Actually, the primary focus of "Vampires Suck" — which spoofs both the first "Twilight" film and "New Moon" — is squarely on bedroom and bathroom activities, as well as an abundance of homophobic riffs and now-dated pop culture references (Tiger Woods, the Jonas Brothers) all in line with Friedberg and Seltzer's previous comedies. There are talented comic actors in the cast — Jenn Proske's take on Kristen Stewart's angsty delivery is amusing, and Diedrich Bader, Dave Foley, Ken Jeong, and an uncredited Ike Barinholtz are all on hand — but are given nothing remotely funny to do.

If a spoof can't deliver on laughs, what is the point? "That title isn't the movie's reflexive meta comment on itself, just the first in its string of obvious, no-effort jokes ... all delivered with an utter lack of comic timing and pacing that makes this 82-minute feature feel longer than any of the two-hours-plus films it's spoofing (or perhaps all of them put together)," opined Fangoria.

Here are a few things to know about 2004's "Dracula 3000": It has nothing to do with "Dracula 2000" or its sequels. It is a loose adaptation of Bram Stoker's "Dracula," though it moves the action to outer space, and features Coolio and Tommy "Tiny" Lister as two of its fearless (sort of) vampire killers. "Dracula 3000" also stars Casper Van Dien as a descendant of Professor Van Helsing, Udo Kier on a video screen, and a Dracula that bears more than a passing resemblance to a certain friendly chocolate cereal spokesmonster. Consider that a warning, if you wish.

While all of the previous films on this list are terrible, they also have at least one redeemable element. Not so with "Dracula 3000." This threadbare international feature is poorly directed, acted, and written, and stocked with aggressively detestable characters (the worst of which is Coolio, who cannot stop yelling about the awful things he wants to do to co-star Erika Eleniak). 

The movie itself appears unable to stand them, as evidenced by the decision to kill the surviving cast members in the final frame, along with Dracula, one assumes (it's never shown). That's how little effort went into "Dracula 3000" — it can't even be bothered to wrap itself up. "You aren't entertained by it, you're just stupefied by it," noted Dread Central.