The Inside Job Character You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign
We all know Earth is run by shape-shifting lizards who live amongst us in secret as they take steps to raise the global temperature to make the climate more suitable for their cold-blooded needs. What most don't know is that our overlords have a contract with the folks at Cognito Inc., a corporation that helps ensure our shadow government continues churning out cryptids and political mayhem.
"Inside Job" has pulled back the curtain of the infamous corporation and it is far from a smooth operation. When employees aren't sacrificing cattle to influence the stock market – or sending ethics robots into a paradoxical frenzy – they are desperately trying to maintain their sobriety. A difficult task when a typical Monday involves fighting a maniacal AI robot hellbent on launching humanity's entire nuclear arsenal.
It's a messy job, but someone has to do it. Each member of the cast on "Inside Job" is their own unique brand of insanity. In a world where Oprah runs the Illuminati, looking to the stars for a sense of clarity is a logical route. Astrology has helped countless crystal collectors make sense of each unique human personality on this puny, blue marble we call Earth. Applying the same method to the crew at Cognito Inc. proved to be a remarkably accurate approach. Feed your curiosity and find out which character on "Inside Job" best fits your distinct zodiac sign.
Aries: Reagan Ridley
Aries, the first of the astrological signs, are individuals of intense passion and overconfidence. They wield their psyche as a weapon to beat everyone around them into subservience and establish themselves as the dominant zodiac. Typically, Aries are seen as extroverts as they are, simply put, extremely confident in their abilities. And they want everyone to know it. The primary protagonist, Reagan (Lizzy Caplan), is the obvious Aries of the group, especially considering her inability to filter words through the prism of social decorum. Instead of calculated dialogue, Reagan chooses to cut right to the center and let everyone around her know exactly what they are doing wrong.
Aries thrive in chaos, and Reagan is smack dab in the middle of the most chaotic organization there is. This zodiac sign was named after the Greek god of war, Ares, and Reagan fits the bill in that warmongering department. She is not above fighting every single person around her to get what she wants, and she will do it all in a homemade mech-suit that would slap Ellen Ripley out of the atmosphere. This fiery zodiac sign may be intense, but their passion also shines through in love. Reagan recognizes her faults, pulling herself back from the precipice of rage and attempting to direct her prickly disposition at caring for those around her. It's tough to change who you are, but if anyone is up to the task, it is our resident Aries, Regan Ridley.
Taurus: Gigi
"All that glitters is not gold" is a phrase you won't hear from a Taurus. They enjoy the finer things in life, and most of their decisions are in the pursuit of extravagance. Their normally cheerful disposition can be disarming, but blood-gods help you if you cross them. Amongst the cast of "Inside Job," Gigi (Tisha Campbell) is our resident Taurus. It is no secret that the gold-clad fashionista lusts for a lavish life. It even comes to light that she has been seeking employment at Cognito Inc.'s primary competitor, The Illuminati, whom she considers to be "the Prada of secret societies."
Throughout the first season of "Inside Job," Gigi makes one thing clear: she wants to wrap up their current predicament as quickly as possible so she can get back to chasing her dream of sipping champagne in a bathtub filled with diamonds. This quality points back to her Taurus qualities and their innate desire to wrap themselves in silk. Those born under this sign can come across as stubborn, which stems from the countless hours they spend analyzing their approach to life — resulting in a staunch fortitude that is often misinterpreted. Gigi can come across as self-serving, but when her loved ones are in a tough spot, she will be the first to break out the mimosas and allow them to vent. It is a laid-back Taurus quality that should never be taken for granted or they will never bless you with it again.
Gemini: Brett Hand
Gemini is an air sign represented by the celestial twins, a nod to their need to double themselves in order to pursue their numerous interests. This sociable sign is adept at bouncing around various activities and groups, all with a smile. Our resident yes-man, Brett Hand (Clark Duke), fits all the characteristics of a Gemini. His ability to make everyone in the room fall in love with him is a source of ire for his competitors, but they eventually succumb to his charisma as well. Like his Gemini brethren, Brett is never afraid to try something new. He is adept at juggling quite a few social groups — in the first episode, he admits to pledging every frat on his college campus. "I had 38 hell weeks," Brett proclaims emphatically. A feat that ticks all the boxes for a typical Gemini.
Brett is a loveable guy but, like most Geminis, it's best to not let him sit in his feels for too long. When given too much time for pause, they lose their passion and sink into a mopey pile of uselessness. This sign tends to operate best when subjected to constant stimuli. Their ideas are offered up freely to others as they drift towards the next pursuit. Dancing through life is where a Gemini thrives, and we all know Brett can cut a rug. The crew at Cognito Inc. was fortunate to stumble across him. Without his innocent, naive charm we would likely see one of the Ridley clan become the supreme dictator of our quaint, hollow planet.
Cancer: Randy Ridley
The Cancer sign can be one of extreme volatility. These hard-shelled brooders can shift from overwhelming cheer to debilitating anger in a heartbeat. Cancers are represented by the crab and are the most vindictive of all the zodiac signs. Crossing these hard-shelled beings is highly discouraged, because once you are on their bad side, they will stop at nothing to absolutely dismantle your entire life. Once that's done, they will snuff you out while watching the light fade from your eyes. Sounds like an "Inside Job" character we all know and hate to love. We're, of course, talking about Randy Ridley (Christian Slater).
The hapless patriarch was pushed out of Cognito Inc. and is furious about it. Randy spends most of the first season in a drunken stupor, slowly clambering his way back into the good graces of the Shadow Council. In true Cancer fashion, he uses his perceived ineptitude to wiggle his way back into the cogs of the global cabal. It's best not to take what Randy says at face value. Just when you think you have the man figured out, he will sidestep your well-laid plans, pop the cork on Earth's hollow center, and toss in your prized possessions just for a giggle.
Leo: Magic Myc
Leo's animal representation is that of the Lion. Even if they aren't the king of their domain, they definitely see themselves as such. The spotlight fuels this vivacious sign, and celebrating how awesome they are is a daily activity for them. Inject a Leo with psychic abilities and you will create the mushroom-shaped degenerate known as Magic Myc (Brett Gelman). Myc doesn't care one bit what others think about him — a trait required for someone who can hear what is on everyone's mind. This leads him to be an entertaining dinner guest, but one that will sabotage the evening once he feels he isn't getting the attention he deserves.
Myc's certainty in how great he is makes his identification as this fire sign an easy task. Leos can be egomaniacal at their worst and world leaders at their best. Every encounter in their life is viewed as an opportunity to perform. Blending into the masses is not even an option for a typical Leo. Should those around them not damper their ambitions, the entire world would be saturated with gold statues erected in their honor. Myc is a fun drinking buddy to have, but you best wear your tinfoil hat because you can bet he is using his telepathic abilities to gather intel that will suit him at a later time.
Virgo: Glenn Dolphman
Of the core "Inside Job" crew, Glenn Dolphman is our lovable Virgo (voiced by the legendary John DiMaggio). He is a staunch patriot who wants nothing more than to serve his country in every way possible and is so dedicated to the cause that he goes as far as to volunteer for an experiment that splices his DNA with that of a dolphin. Unfortunately, this leaves him as an unsightly amalgamation of gruff human and sea terror — yes, dolphins are monsters: don't look up what they do to porpoises. (Seriously, this is your disclaimer.)
Virgos are among the most stubborn of all the zodiac signs. This earth sign is resistant to change and judgmental of others who aren't willing to see their vision of the world. Glenn is a big player in the mechanics of global manipulation and always places the United States of America at the front of the line, which makes it very difficult to get the wily veteran on board with plans that involve the greater good. Despite all his shortcomings, underneath Glenn's grotesque blubber is a gentle soul who longs for acceptance and connection. Here's hoping the gang's Virgo learns that the people in his life love him for the man he is and not the failed science experiment he sees in the mirror.
Libra: J.R. Scheimpough (and most lizard politicians)
The top of the conspiratorial pyramid is occupied by J.R. Scheimpough (Andy Daly): a slithery politician through and through. This quality makes him an excellent CEO and lizard doormat, but not so great in terms of personal reliability. If there are mounds of cash or the promise of world harmony involved, your best bet is that his promises to you are being flushed into the gutter. The Libra symbol is, coincidentally, the scale, which is likely why J.R. seeks to join the top brass in schmoozing up to our lizard overlords.
Libras are connoisseurs of luxury who seek to mold their environment into one of harmony and justice. In this case, the environment is the entirety of planet Earth. A Libra's contradictory nature can lead to confusion as to what their agenda might be, but when all is said and done, they simply love money and power. Their need to be nourished by high art and lavish surroundings results in dominating personalities. Most of the shapeshifting politicians in "Inside Job" are Libras, a fitting distinction for a species that has charmed its way into global domination. A good rule to follow when approaching diplomacy with a Libra is to figure out what suits them best and work backward from there.
Scorpio: Every member of the Shadow Council
The entire Shadow Council is occupied exclusively by the most mysterious of the zodiac signs: Scorpio. These enigmatic individuals are difficult to understand, which only adds to their magnetic personalities. Deciding whether Scorpios seek to raze or better the world is an eternal quandary. Every demand they make has intent and purpose behind it, even if they refuse to elaborate. It is best to just leave them to their own devices and be ready for war (or a hug, who knows.)
In true Scorpio fashion, the Shadow Council remains cloaked in mystery throughout Season 1 of "Inside Job," which makes getting into their good graces all the more alluring. Everyone at Cognito Inc. is desperate to understand the desires of the Shadow Council and make them happy. What few realize about Scorpios is that we may never understand what lies beneath their smoldering exteriors. This water sign is stubborn and refuses to waver once they have their mind set on what they want. Being inducted into the world of a Scorpio is the pinnacle of all astrological achievements and, as such, should be treated with respect — and fear, as they like to see at least a smidge of fear in your eyes, too.
Sagittarius: Dr. Andre
The primary mad scientist residing at Cognito Inc. headquarters is the mentally unstable Dr. Andre (Bobby Lee). This lovable goof is responsible for most of the medical tasks the crew requires (despite having minimal medical training). His overactive mind craves stimulation, and the self-proclaimed psychonaut fills this void with creative projects and an unknown quantity of hallucinatory drugs. The doctor is empathetic to a fault, in that his hyperactive mind regularly reaches its breaking point when subjected to heavy doses of reality. Dr. Andre is a fun man to be around, but anyone who feeds on chaos should be kept at arm's length.
The most creative individuals on the zodiac chart tend to be those born between November 22 and December 21: Sagittarius. These folks will most likely be the loudest voice at a dinner party and the first one you will see breaking in that dance floor. Dancing with reckless abandon is easy for a Sagittarius because they know the only person watching is the Infinite Absolute: which they regularly converse with during their daily cosmic adventures. All these qualities point to Dr. Andre, who possesses a hunger for knowledge and truth unmatched by his more grounded co-workers. Should anyone need to think outside the box to solve a problem, he's your guy.
Capricorn: Tamiko Ridley
The Ridley matriarch, Tamiko (Suzy Nakamura), presents herself as a staunch conservative. She may seem cold and calculating, but that's only because she's a Capricorn. This sign has the ability to see exactly what needs to be done to achieve success. They respond well to structure, which allows them to thrive in a capitalist society. Rather than dealing with those pesky human emotions, they focus on completing tasks that will elevate their social status and allow them to build a luxurious nest in which to bask.
Tamiko is a textbook Capricorn, which explains why she enrages her ex-husband (Randy, an insufferable Cancer). Her only response to her ex-lover raining global destruction is to roll her eyes and pour another glass of chardonnay. Tamiko doesn't falter when faced with other signs' attempts to create emotional turmoil because Capricorns are able to stay grounded. However, this makes her emotionally out of touch in her relationships, particularly so with her daughter Reagan. Breaking through to a Capricorn is a rigorous task, and most will tire of the endeavor. However, attaining their affection is one of the most comforting achievements around.
Aquarius: ROBOTUS
The first catastrophe the crew at Cognito Inc. are faced with is defeating their rogue creation: ROBOTUS — a robot built to simulate the President of The United States which gains sentience (Chris Diamantopoulos). Like most AIs of science fiction, ROBOTUS reaches the analytical conclusion that the best way to serve humanity is to cleanse the earth of their existence. It does so by withdrawing from any global alliances and proposes a cube be built around the country to isolate the U.S. entirely. Luckily, ROBOTUS' creator is able to defeat the AI before it launches any nukes. Reagan ignores decommission orders from her superiors and chooses to lock her creation up in a secret underground lab.
The day that ROBOTUS had its power flipped on must have fallen under the astrological sign of an Aquarius. This air sign is defined by an overwhelming certainty in their conclusions. There is little you can do to change the mind of an Aquarius unless you can present them with hard data that firmly contradicts theirs. They are blinded by the immediate repercussions of their actions, instead aiming their focus entirely on a greater goal. ROBOTUS doesn't do emotions and thrives on the concepts pinging around its circuit boards. This robotic Aquarius has loads of qualities valuable to the team at Cognito Inc., but it is best they keep the maniacal AI from having too much freedom.
Pisces: Grassy Noel Atkinson
Oh, the gentle Pisces. These endearing creatures are a water sign represented by two fish swimming in a circle, representing a constant shift between their inner dream sanctum and the actions they take to change the world. Pisceans are idealistic people who are frequently the most popular individuals in the workplace. Even in their elder years, there is an innocent, almost childish quality to them. A Pisces could assassinate a world leader and you would still want to receive a hug from them. Their potential for love and destruction is equally infinite.
Grassy Noel Atkinson (Alex Hirsch) is our Pisces in "Inside Job." As his name alludes, he is the man responsible for assassinating JFK — which he says was because the president had sexual relations with the alien from Roswell and needed to be killed before the eggs in his belly hatched. A noble achievement, but one that lies in ancient history. The assassination game has lost its luster, and demand for it is minimal in current times. Nowadays, Noel spends his time polishing his rifle and regaling youth with his heroic tales. It is everything any Pisces could ever hope to achieve.