The Succession Character You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign

In 2018, "Succession" premiered on HBO, and a nation said to itself, "Hey ... wait a minute."

For generations, Americans had assumed the shot-callers at global media conglomerates were all intelligent, responsible, hard-working folks who absolutely deserved their ludicrously inflated salaries and swanky lifestyles. Until, of course, we gazed upon Waystar Royco's sunsetting megalomaniac CEO Logan Roy (Brian Cox), his deeply-troubled heir apparent Kendall Roy (Jeremy Strong), the endlessly scheming Shiv Roy (Sarah Snook), and the insufferable Roman Roy (Kieran Culkin).

But regardless of our personal opinions of the Roys, their quests to remain in power and out of prison have filled many a Sunday night with suspense and amusement. And since everybody loves internet articles assigning astrological signs to imaginary characters, it was only a matter of time before we arranged the gang from "Succession" upon the zodiac.  

As far as you're concerned, dear reader, the twist here is instead of finding out your birthday aligns with a superhero or beloved comedy character and feeling appropriately good about yourself, you're about to learn what you have in common with the top echelon of Waystar Royco. Fair warning — this information may not exactly boost your ego. Unless, of course, it turns out you're Cousin Greg (Nicholas Braun).

When we think of the sign of Taurus — April 20 to May 20 — we envision naturally occurring excitement for tactile, hands-on labor, and a zest for visceral, sensuous pleasures. That's sort of a problem for this article because those characteristics don't really apply to any major character on "Succession." The Roys and their associates are all obsessed with business, but their careers principally entail negotiating, backroom wheeling and dealing, and corporate crisis management. We hardly ever see any of them producing anything of intrinsic value by themselves. 

And despite substantial bravado to the contrary, most of them don't appear overly interested in sex or food or any of life's physical rewards. Kendall and Shiv both sleep with people but neither with enough enthusiasm for it to qualify as an aspect of their personality. Meanwhile, Tom (Matthew Macfadyen) only likes food when its consumption is a status signifier and semi-legal — deep-friend songbird, for instance. 

So even though she's not on the show enough for us to get a real sense of her personality, we're going to say Tabitha (Caitlin FitzGerald — who's already racked up another HBO credit on "Station Eleven") is the Taurus of "Succession." Why not? Tabitha's encounter with Tom at his bachelor party outing and her frustrating relationship with Roman both indicate that she doesn't hate sex. She probably likes other physical sensations! Perhaps she has a favorite beverage! Who can say? That's close enough, right?  

Just about everybody on "Succession" is or strives to be a cutthroat careerist who'd happily throw their grandmother under a truck for a promotion. Tom Wambsgans is just such a careerist, but he will make exceptions for his near and dear. Hence, we're linking Tom to the sign of Cancer — June 22 to July 22 — known for a respect for abstract concepts like "home" and "loyalty." 

Not long after marrying Shiv in Season 1, Tom discovers open relationships aren't really his thing. The clash of lifestyle preferences leads to the domestic unhappiness Tom expresses at the close of Season 2. We're only a few episodes into Season 3 as of this writing, but as far as we currently know, Tom is not pursuing a divorce. 

Granted, Tom's certainly worried about the dire and inevitable professional consequences of dumping a Roy. However, since his Shiv-related angst can be misdirected into a bizarre public meltdown — specifically, the pelting of Cousin Greg with water bottles in the Season 2 episode "Safe Room" — we can presume there is some genuine attachment and affection there.    

And let's not gloss over the fact despite all the surface-level abuse and blackmail, Tom's friendship with Cousin Greg is, perhaps, the most wholesome element in all of "Succession." They're like Bert and Ernie, if Bert and Ernie were directly involved in covering up a horrifying high-level corporate scandal.

We grant former Pierce Media CEO Rhea Jarrell (Holly Hunter) the designation of the unofficial Virgo of "Succession." Not everybody's going to agree, but we think we can support this decision. 

Individuals whose lives begin between August 23 and September 22 may exhibit a reverence for precision and attention to detail. Frankly, a person could never come close to maneuvering the CEO position at Waystar Royco away from the Roy family without a tremendous capacity for methodological thinking. And before Rhea set her sights on the top spot at Waystar Royco, she nearly brokered a deal that would've sold Peirce Media to Logan Roy — the equivalent of Fox News purchasing stewardship of The New York Times in the real world. 

Of course, everyone on "Succession" attempts to manipulate the bejesus out of each other constantly, but unlike the Roy kids, Rhea doesn't have any pre-existing emotional or financial leverage over most of the folks she tries to screw over. We know the Roys work really hard at manipulating people, but we don't know if any of them are actually good at it. Rhea, on the other hand, always sees all the angles, and finds the right strings to pull. 

Out of everyone in Logan Roy's orbit, his third wife, Marcia — played by Hiam Abbass of "Blade Runner 2049" fame — has arguably gotten the most out of her position without going too far out of her way. (As far as we know at this point in the series, anyway).

Astrologists will tell you that Scorpios — that's October 24 to November 21 — show an advanced curiosity about other people. They like to figure out what makes folks tick, in other words. That describes almost everybody on "Succession" — manipulation is the wind spinning the program's turbines. But if we must pick a manipulator, let's go with Marcia, who makes exploiting relationships look casual and effortless.    

In Season 1, she nearly gains a controlling interest in the corporation via Logan's inability to meaningfully step away. In Season 3, Marcia blackmails the living snot out of Logan in exchange for an agreement not to divorce him until the cruise line scandal runs its course. Here, we have someone who's garnered a gargantuan amount of wealth and influence and makes it all appear as though it's a matter of timing and luck — just like a master manipulator would do.  

What makes Gerri Kellman the Capricorn of "Succession?" Well, In theory, Capricorns — December 22 to January 19 — are responsible, independent, practical, and reliable. Basically, this is the astrological alignment of well-adjusted folks who can be counted on to come through with whatever the task at hand happens to be. 

The Roys all have plenty of money, so they're pretty good at convincing other people they've got their act together, but anyone who watches the show knows they're not actually a stable or dependable bunch. At least Gerri has yet to find herself at on the receiving end of any serious catastrophes. 

For example, when it came time to testify before Congress about who knew what about Waystar Royco's cruise line and its history criminal negligence and sexual harassment, who managed to field questions without looking guilty or making any statements that could make them look bad down the line? Logan and Tom perjured themselves, and Kendall's ill-advised defense of his dad became late-night TV joke fodder. So basically, it was just Gerri.  

When Logan has to name a interim CEO to keep an eye on things until he knows he's definitely not going to jail, of course, he picks Gerri. When Roman needs someone with whom he can fulfill his unconventional sexual proclivities, of course, he goes to Gerri, who he can count on to only humiliate him in a manner he enjoys — as in, not in public. 

Rumor has it that babies who land under Pisces – the final sign of the zodiac — come into the world between February 19 and March 20 with a powerful predisposition for eclecticism. And who's more eclectic than Connor Roy — the guy who gives sourdough bread as a birthday gift, embarks upon wildly misguided presidential campaigns, and purchases the dried reproductive organ of Napoléon Bonaparte off the black market? Nobody, that's who! At least, nobody who appears on the television show "Succession." 

While Connor leads a multifaceted life, that's nothing compared to the career of actor Alan Ruck, whose resume contains multitudes. It may shock faithful "Succession" viewers to learn that the occasionally delusional, least assertive offspring of Logan Roy is presented to us by the same actor who embodied Cameron Frye in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." Any actor who's worked steadily in films and TV since the mid-'80s has certainly pretended to do stranger things than run for president ... although, we're guessing Connor marks Ruck's first time pretending to buy a historic dictator's private parts.