The 1990s Teen Movie You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Due to tragic shifts in economics and technology, today's mass media caters almost exclusively to  children and sunsetting baby boomers. But back in the '90s, it was still possible for teenagers to own a significant slice of the pop cultural visibility pie. Hollywood unloaded a wholesale onslaught of films for and about teenagers midway through the decade; and while mid-budget comedies typical go directly to streaming nowadays, teen flicks of a time before Netflix and HBO Max had the opportunity to become bona fide big screen blockbusters. 

What does any of this have to do with astrology? Well, in a direct, immediate, concrete sense, it has nothing to do with astrology. However, let us keep in mind that matters pertaining to the cosmic locations of the Sun and the Moon's possible impact on human personalities based on our time and dates of birth are rarely cut and dry. Also, we know people read lists that explain which Avenger connects to your zodiac sign. Some folks argue that astrology isn't real, but it's definitely based on better evidence than The Avengers, who definitely do not exist at all. Not everything needs to be an exercise in logic, y'know? 

So which '90s teen movie represents you on the zodiac? Glue your eyeballs to this screen and buckle up as we journey through the zodiac.

We tend to think of bulls as dumb beasts who live only to seduce cows and impale bullfighters, but their associated astrological sign tells us they're actually much more complex creatures. Attached to birthdays landing between April 20 and May 20, the Taurus sign indicates a built-in appreciation for tactile, sensual efforts and pleasures, as well as a greater-than-average capacity for patience. 

When we think of filmmakers with a knack for framing essentially mundane visual images as proverbial feasts for the eyeballs, as well as doling out stories with restrained, deliberate pacing, Sofia Coppola promptly springs to mind. Her directorial debut and contribution to the '90s teen movie blitz — 1999's "The Virgin Suicides" — certainly isn't the most upbeat of its ilk. Frankly, the title is also a spoiler and a content warning. But if you're in the market for a teen movie with a sense of visual and narrative poetry that isn't afraid to take its time, "The Virgin Suicides" is one of your better bets.

To say Cancers — June 21 to July 22 — have a heightened vulnerability to nostalgia might be partially accurate, if a bit misleading. Technically, Cancers are thought to form stronger emotional bonds with ideas like home, family, and tradition, but those concepts can take many different forms. Though not a Cancer himself (pretty close, though — his birthday's July 30th), director, gen Xer, and noteworthy Texan Richard Linklater definitely makes a Cancer move by basing a film around the last day of a 1976 school year in suburban Texas and loading it up with KISS and Aerosmith needle drops. 

"Dazed and Confused" (1993) is to the '90s what "American Graffiti" (1973) was to the 1970s; both are projects in which one of the era's major film luminaries uses the medium to reflect on his youth. Linklater did us all a favor and did not attempt to follow George Lucas's career trajectory with his own "Star Wars" (1977) — but, much in the way "American Graffiti" gave Harrison Ford his first big break, the cast of "Dazed and Confused" includes a handful of near-future Hollywood heavyweights including Ben Affleck, Matthew McConaughey, and Milla Jovovich. 

Naturally, "Dazed and Confused" is loaded with sex and drugs, so it isn't any sane person's idea of a wholesome film; but it certainly carries on the tradition of "American Graffiti," as well as the tradition of lionizing arena rock from the 1970s which tragically continues on to this day.     

Hyper-attentiveness to detail and a logic-oriented worldview are both attributes associated with the Virgo sign, which applies to folks who started existing between August 23 and September 22. We're not sure if we should say Tracy Flick (Reese Witherspoon) behaves like a Virgo because from time to time, Virgos can display tremendous emotional vulnerability and enthusiasm for propping up their fellow humans. Tracy Flick, meanwhile, ah...might be a narcissistic sociopath?   

However, if we describe "Election" (1999) as a cold, methodical exterior personified by the ruthless careerism of Witherspoon's character, with a comparatively empathetic, gooey center in the form of the other characters — Jim McAllister (Matthew Broderick), Paul Metzler (Chris Klein), and Tammy Metzler (Jessica Campbell) — that feels more-or-less accurate. 

In "Election," aspiring Republican Party operative Tracy Flick hopes to add "Class President" to her list of extracurricular activities on college applications. In an effort to knock Tracy down a peg or two, social studies teacher Mr. McAllister recruits popular star athlete Paul Metzler to run an opposition campaign. Indeed, this is a film about a grown man who tries to kneecap the career ambitions of a teenage girl. So who's the real monster? (Spoiler — It's both of them.)   

According to Rotten Tomatoes, the quality of "She's All That" (1999) is roughly equal to the thoroughly below-average "Can't Hardly Wait." Could it be that folks who watched "She's All That" during their hormonal late-'90s adolescences all developed crushes on implausible social outcast Laney Boggs (Rachael Leigh Cook — at the time, famous for smashing her kitchen with a frying pan in one of television's most memorable anti-drug PSAs) and/or the secretly-sensitive jock Zack Siler (Freddie Prinze Jr.); ergo, an entire generation remembers "She's All That" far more generously than it deserves?

That tracks with our choice to place it in the Scorpio section of the zodiac. Individuals born between October 23 and November 21 may demonstrate an enhanced capacity for focus, and curiosity about the inner workings of their surroundings. While most Scorpios use their personality for good instead of evil, Scorpios who direct their talents toward manipulation could have exceptional odds of success. In other words, manipulating us into thinking it's a good movie is a very Scorpio thing for "She's All That" to do. So is manipulating Netflix executives into greenlighting the regrettable "She's All That" sequel. 

Coincidentally, the plot of "She's All That" itself is loaded with mind games, lies, and trickery. At first, Zack only dates the unpopular Laney because if she's elected prom queen, it will validate his own supreme popularity. But soon, Zack learns an important life lesson: popularity doesn't matter, as long as you have looks.

There's a bit of crossover between Cancers' theorized affinity for tradition and Capricorns' supposed tendency to walk the well-traveled paths. Birthdays falling between December 22 and January 19th are pseudo-scientifically associated with an enhanced work ethic. We suppose the phrases "work ethic," "tradition," and "high school" placed next to each other conjure up images of football — despite that sport's terrifying history with traumatic concussions and long-term brain damage. Therefore, "Varsity Blues" is the '90s teen movie best suited to represent the sign of Capricorn.     

James Van Der Beek — who never quite landed as a movie star, despite acting chops that equal or surpass his "Dawson's Creek" costars — plays Jonathan "Mox" Moxon. Although he is no relation to Jon "Mox" Moxley, Moxon displays a work ethic nearly equally that of the former All Elite Wrestling world champion. 

Van Der Beek's Mox sets about to end his football coach's abusive cutthroat methods, and do right by his pals at West Canaan High School before he bails on his rural Texas hometown for Providence, Rhode Island, and the prestige of Brown University. 

In part due to their position at the end of the zodiac, Pisces — February 19 to March 20 — are said to include sundry bits and pieces from the other signs, as well as a heightened attunement to intangible matters. This sense of connection with illusions could take the form of spiritualism; an interest in history or memory; a fascination with fiction; or even a taste for the contemporary Wicca magic practiced by the four anti-Sabrinas in 1996's mashup of supernatural terror and "My So-Called Life"-style teen angst known as "The Craft." 

Horror iconography gets repurposed into metaphors for high school problems on a routine basis nowadays. However, before "The Craft" came along, "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" was just a 1992 Kristy Swanson movie hardly anybody saw, and the better part of another decade would pass before Stephenie Meyer started to wonder if a book about a cute vampire boy might sell a few copies. 

"The Craft" also establishes Fairuza Balk as one of her generation's most deeply unsettling onscreen presences. Once upon a time, we mistakenly assumed nothing could be more disturbing than the Wheelers from "Return to Oz" (1985). We can only assume that during the time Balk spent starring in that movie as a child, she learned the deep secret of all-encompassing sublime fear, and unleashes it throughout "The Craft."