What Mars Attacks! Character You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign
When it debuted in 1996, "Mars Attacks!" proved far more than just an adaptation of a Topps trading card series. It's also Tim Burton's homage to 1950s sci-fi b-movies, and a film with one of the most impressive ensemble casts cinema has ever seen. Superstars Jack Nicholson, Danny DeVito, Annette Bening, Pierce Brosnan, and Glenn Close all co-star alongside the like Michael J. Fox and Martin Short, plus future stars Natalie Portman, Jack Black, and Sarah Jessica Parker. Toss in sports icon Jim Brown, genre star Pam Grier, and singer Tom Jones, and "Mars Attacks!" became a movie for the ages.
With a big cast came a wide variety of characters, from powerful government figures and big personalities to ordinary Americans and eccentric oddballs. Between valiant heroes, dirty rotten scoundrels, and naive goofballs, the film has every kind of character you could imagine, and someone for every audience member to identify and connect with. But which one are you? Well, based on your astrological charts, we think we can help you find out your best match in the cast of "Mars Attacks!"
Aries: General Decker
Those born under Aries (March 21 to April 19), the sign of the ram, are known for their big, blustery, outgoing attitudes. Fiery and hot-headed when angered, they're just as quick to calm as they are to be enraged, often ready with a bold plan of action when things need to be done. In "Mars Attacks!" there's nobody who embodies Aries more than the brash, explosive General Decker (Rod Steiger), the chief military advisor to President Dale (Jack Nicholson).
When the Martians first arrive, it's Decker who immediately wants Earth's defenses on high alert and ready for a nuclear strike. But even when Dale puts the more meek General Casey on the case, Decker doesn't shy away, remaining vigilant to the Martian threat that apparently only he can perceive. While scientists and bureaucrats seek peace, it's Decker who has a bold and decisive plan of attack to counterstrike Martian forces — never mind that it means starting a nuclear war that could wipe out the planet.
It's not just the strengths of the fire sign that Decker shares with Aries, but its weaknesses too. It's his lack of self-control that gets him in trouble when confronted by the Martian leader, opening fire with a pair of pistols. This prompts the alien to use a shrink ray to turn him tiny, ultimately killing him with a stomp of his boot.
Taurus: Florence Norris
Thought of mostly for its stubbornness, the Earth sign Taurus (April 20 to May 20) — the sign of the bull — is definitely hardheaded, but it's also much more complex than most people give it credit for. Kind, gentle, loving, but also forceful when necessary, those who bear Taurus may be resistant to change — happy to live in one place with one job and a small circle of friends for their whole life. But that doesn't mean they lack wisdom or courage. In fact, Taurus is one of the most dependable signs in the zodiac. Unwavering and untiring, they're great listeners, and always even-keeled, rarely letting the chaos around them affect them. In "Mars Attacks!" that definitely describes Florence Norris (Sylvia Sydney), the lovable, patient, and caring grandmother to Richie (Lukas Haas) and Billy-Glenn (Jack Black).
Florence shows a Taurus-like steadiness when the Martians attack. She's supportive and kind to Richie when nobody else is, able to see through his insouciant exterior to appreciate his intelligence and wit. Not at all dissatisfied with her ordinary life, she's more than happy to listen to her records and pet her cat Muffy (alive or dead). And while her slowness may be attributed to her infirmity, it also may be her Taurean nature. In the end, of course, the world needs Florence — just as it needs the stubborn but patient sign of Taurus — because it's her Slim Whitman records that save the planet.
Gemini: Art Land
One of the most perplexing and misunderstood signs of the zodiac, Gemini (May 21 to June 20) is often associated with duplicitousness and sneakiness, but that's actually rarely the case. Geminis often do have a dual nature, which is fitting for "Mars Attacks!" star Jack Nicholson — an actor who plays two different roles in the film, including our pick for Gemini, Art Land. Charismatic and talkative — to a degree that might make you think he just loves the sound of his own voice — Art always seems to have something to say, whether that's musing on the state of an alien invasion or pitching his latest real estate venture.
A true people-person, the typical Gemini isn't always friends with everyone, but they have a singular ability to size people up and judge their character right away, as Art does to advance his business deals. But perhaps the most fundamental trait of the air sign is its compulsive need to keep moving, always working on the next big project. The self-described magnate Art always has a new big idea on his mind, and when the Martians attack he isn't scared. The ordeal just gives him another lightbulb moment, seeing the invasion as an opportunity for his next endeavor –a space-themed hotel. But like a Gemini, Art's endless racetrack mind is also his weakness, as his inability to slow down blinds him to danger.
Cancer: Louise Williams
If you're a Cancer (June 21 to July 22), you'll probably see a lot of yourself in Louise Williams (Pam Grier), the mother of young "Mars Attacks!" heroes Cedric and Neville and estranged wife of Byron (Jim Brown). Though the sign of the crab is seen as the sensitive one, Cancers — including Louise — are no doormats. Louise is firm but protective with her children, and she's even protective of her husband despite their strained relationship. She's sensitive enough to feel when he's in danger, even when he's hundreds of miles away.
Cancers are often hesitant to show their vulnerability, but their pain is there just under the surface, as it is for Louise. She wants to reconcile with Byron, but she's a little too afraid to show it. When the Martians attack, though, her true feelings come out — another trait of Cancers, who're more likely to express their feelings in times of crisis. If you're a Cancer, you're probably not the adventurous sort. Perhaps you're a homebody or just like to stay close to home, like Louise who doesn't want to leave D.C. even with Martians invading the city. Those who bear the water sign are uneasy when they don't know what's going on, as Louise is when she loses communication with Byron. But Cancers are also stronger than they look, and Louise survives the invasion to reunite with her husband in the film's final moments.
Leo: President James Dale
Jack Nicholson plays United States President James Dale in "Mars attacks!" — our pick to represent the fiery sign of the lion, Leo (July 23 to August 22). A bold sign, Leo is closely associated with strong leaders, and that's certainly true of Dale. But Leos are also known for their warmth and sensitivity, and that's the kind of president that Dale is — a down-to-Earth, folksy commander-in-chief. He has a way with words and is both shrewd and ambitious. Dale trusts his instincts, even when they steer him wrong — another big Leo trait.
If you're a Leo, you probably know that you're strong and assertive, but also that you hate being seen as vulnerable and can use anger as a shield, as Dale often does. You want people to think of you as the powerful figure you know that you are, which is the perfect quality for a leader like President Dale. But while you're smart enough to surround yourself with capable advisors, just as he does, you don't always listen to them — as he ignores Decker's words of warning about the Martians — because you don't like to be bossed around. This can sometimes be Leos' weakness, as it is for Dale, so keep an eye out to ensure that you're trusting the right people. Otherwise, you might get stabbed in the back by a Martian's tentacle.
Virgo: Jason Stone
When it comes to those born under the sign of Virgo (August 23 to September 22), it's not quite so easy to find your most similar "Mars Attacks!" character. But dig deep enough into the traits of the sign and you'll find a match in Jason Stone, played by "Back to the Future" star Michael J. Fox. Diligent, hard-working, and with an almost compulsive need to feel useful, Stone wants to be at the center of the action — not because of ego, but because he simply believes he's the best person for the job. It should be him — a veteran newsman and skilled reporter — interviewing Dr. Kessler (Pierce Brosnan), not talk show host Nathalie Lake (Sarah Jessica Parker).
Virgos, like Stone, are particular people. They like things orderly and well-defined, and that's why Stone finds Lake such a peculiar anomaly. She doesn't play by the rules or fit into a tidy little box. Because Virgos are drawn to chaos in their romantic partners, this makes some sense. You see, Virgos need purpose. They need goals — something to achieve because often, they're insecure about their own greatness. For Stone, this winds up being his weakness, as his insecurity over Lake's love surfaces when he sees her flirting with Kessler, and he feels he needs to prove himself. This leads directly to his death, running right into ray gun fire to prove he's a tougher, braver, and more valiant man than his imagined rival.
Libra: Nathalie Lake
Talk show host and fashionista Nathalie Lake (Sarah Jessica Parker) may be the most tragic figure in "Mars Attacks!" She begins the film as a successful television personality thrust into the greatest news story in human history. Chosen by the U.S. Government to interview their leading expert on the Martians, her outlandish flare should be easily recognizable to most astrology experts as that of Libra (September 23 to October 22). We won't blame you if you disagree, as Libra can be a tough sign to spot due to its often contradictory natures. Still, Nathalie has a lot in common with those who bear the air sign.
Nathalie is a Libra through and through — empathetic and compassionate, sometimes to the point that she can be easily swayed by others. But she's also always in dire need of validation. She wants to be noticed, which more than explains her garish outfits and inimitable sense of style. If Libras have a weakness, it's the fear of being alone, and it's this fear that pushes Nathalie into the arms of Kessler when she feels neglected by her boyfriend. The professor gives her the attention, validation, and companionship she craves. In the end, they're together — or at least their heads are — when they meet their doom aboard a Martian saucer.
Scorpio: Martian Ambassador
The Martian Ambassador may not be the highest-ranked alien in "Mars Attacks!" However, he is the one we become most familiar with, and he's definitely a Scorpio (October 23 to November 21). There are a few key characteristics that define the water sign, and the Martian Ambassador meets almost all of them. Scorpios are known for being duplicitous and treacherous, and the Ambassador betrays President Dale and General Casey almost immediately upon reaching Earth. He does it again when he wipes out Congress after a second overture of goodwill.
The Ambassador is also a man of few words — like many Scorpios — or one to be specific: "Ack." And if you're looking for a character who embodies the water sign's enigmatic nature, the Ambassador fits the bill there too. When he's around you might get zapped by his ray gun or merely mocked with Martian laughter. Scorpios can also be quite intimidating, even when they're just standing around — like the Martian Ambassador whose lidless peepers could bore a hole right through you.
Sagittarius: Byron Williams
Played by NFL legend Jim Brown, the big buff bruiser Byron Williams could in many ways be described as the heart and soul of Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks!" Arguably the most heroic character in the film, Byron's story alone could have been an entire movie. He starts out as a beleaguered former boxer working in a casino to make ends meet, with the hopes of reconciling with his estranged wife Louise. Moving from job to job and place to place, such is the way of the Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21), who is both a powerful warrior and an enlightened philosopher at the same time. An explorer and fearless adventurer, Byron fights a battle not just for himself, but for others.
In the movie, Byron can be seen as a valiant defender of freedom, willing to put it all on the line for what's right. He even makes the sacrifice when others are in danger, going toe-to-toe with a squad of Martian soldiers in a hand-to-hand melee in an effort to allow Tom Jones to pilot a plane to safety. Such are the noble qualities of the Sagittarius, whose boundless belief in the goodness of the world drives them to greatness. Thankfully, Byron gets his happy ending, surviving the fisticuffs to reunite with Louise and his kids — something not all Sagittarius' can say, as many take their battles too far and wind up recklessly sacrificing too much.
Capricorn: Dr. Donald Kessler
Fresh off of "Goldeneye," his first film as James Bond, actor Pierce Brosnan took a leading role in "Mars Attacks!" as Professor Donald Kessler, the film's resident Capricorn (December 22 to January 19). If you too bear the Earth sign, don't think that Kessler's bumbling naiveté is what defines you. In fact, after careful analysis, there are quite a few impressive traits that you may share with the good doctor. Motivated chiefly by duty, Kessler is responsible and principled, and while his overly optimistic appraisal of the Martians' visit to Earth is partly what dooms the planet, you shouldn't have to worry as long as there's no imminent alien invasion to consider.
But some traits you might find more immediately recognizable are your analytical nature and your ability to cut through the noise and arrive at an answer to even the toughest problems. Pushing aside the emotional components and dealing with the straight facts — that's where a Capricorn excels. Though perhaps you could learn from Dr. Kessler and incorporate a little bit of your own gut instinct as well. If he'd just stopped and looked up from the raw data, maybe he'd have noticed the real danger that the Martians posed and not pushed so hard for peace, even after they'd attacked.
Aquarius: Barbara Land
Dreamlike and esoteric, with a belief in the more mystical aspects of life and the universe, the Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) is an ethereal being — more thought and feeling than definable substance. The light of their being walks amongst the clouds, but in their bodies here on Earth they're often outcasts and loners. If you're an Aquarius, you no doubt identify with the loving, spiritual Barbara Land, who wants no part of greed or avarice and wants only to live amid the glory of nature. As an Aquarius, Barbara gets a certain enjoyment from being different, and from the way people view her unusual beliefs.
A true bohemian, Barbara initially sees the arrival of Martians as a glorious gift from the heavens. They're here to herald a new golden age for man, she believes, because while she may not love individuals, she has endless faith in the human race. However, as an Aquarius, she's also practical and reasonable, and when the Martians attack, she has a sudden and harsh realization that they're there to punish mankind for their wicked ways.
One of the few characters to survive the film, Barbara is one Aquarius who gets her wish, finding peace in the caves of Tahoe with Tom Jones and some animal friends.
Pisces: Richie Norris
"Mars Attacks!" actor Lukas Haas plays Richie, the young, wide-eyed dreamer of the Norris family who doesn't fit in with the rest of his kin. Smart, keenly observant, and with more courage and wit than you'd expect from just looking at him, you'll definitely find much more in common with Richie if you're a Pisces (February 19 to March 20). Known for their timeless qualities — their childlike enthusiasm and aged wisdom — the Pisces is a dreamer, with big ideas and bigger ambition.
Despite his outcast status, Richie finds a connection with grandmother Florence, who's the only one who recognizes his true gifts — his insight, his clever mind, and his perspicacity. But the fact that few appreciate him is another trait of Pisces, whose bearers are often misjudged because they're so inward-facing. Pisceans are often seen as absorbed within their own thoughts and feelings — not conceited, but ponderous, and thus hard to read. But they're also stronger than you'd imagine, as Richie is when he realizes the power of Florence's music and its deadly effect on the Martians. Proving that even those who spend their time consumed by fantasy can be heroes, Richie makes all Pisceans proud.