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Conan O'Brien Goes On A Hilarious Rant About This Superhero Movie Trope

Our story begins with a recent episode of the podcast "Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend." This week's candidate for camaraderie was CNN reporter Jake Tapper, who, for the record, felt "cromulent" — a word with an ironically inextricable link to Rupert Murdoch — at the prospect of hanging out with O'Brien. "The Simpsons" once again embiggens our chances of coming together as one people.

The subject of superhero movies came up, which only makes sense, seeing as they currently account for the majority of American culture. Tapper relayed a tragic tale: He had waited until his kids were old enough to enjoy them, only for them to hit adolescence and not care much about the genre. Now watching them alone, the Merriman Smith Memorial Award-winning journalist described getting as far as "Avengers: Civil War," proving once and for all that he truly is someone's dad.

O'Brien, meanwhile, started picking up momentum on what would wind up being a rant for the ages. He started with his frustration regarding Paul Rudd's attitude since he joined the MCU ("Now he won't return [Al] Pacino's phone calls") before laying into what he sees as the real problem that's keeping Marvel from making some real money: Too many portals.

Conan O'Brien needs fewer portals

"I forget which 'Avengers movie it is," O'Brien started, describing how he watched one with his kids. "It's the one where they're trying to assemble the Fraggle Rock, and it turns into a glove."

"...I had a revelation that I will share with you now" he continued. "Which is, at one point, the sky opened up into a portal from another universe, and monsters started coming out of it, and there was a giant dragon ... and everything came out of this portal, and there were no rules. Like, there were gods that came out, so one of them could punch Thor, and he'd go flying, but then Captain America, who's just a strong man ... if you hire any mover at a moving company, he's almost as strong as Captain America."

This went on for some time. There was a pitstop to talk about Dwayne Johnson's calves for a little bit.

At the end of the movie, O'Brien came to the conclusion that the film was subpar. His reasoning: "I can't do portals. I don't like movies where the sky opens up and anything can come out, and you don't know what the rules are anymore in the movie, and the scriptwriters just go 'oh, what the hell, have something open up in the sky and that'll be act three, and stuff comes out, and everybody's fighting everything."

Not long after that, the show's co-host Matt Gourley pointed out how weird it was to listen to Conan and Jake Tapper complain about Steve Rogers instead of discussing current events. "Matt, first of all" O'Brien retorted, "all that stuff is gonna straighten itself out." "Probably not," interjected Tapper. "Not unless somebody opens a portal."

"Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend" is available wherever fine podcasts are streamed.