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The Mummy Gets Buried In Brutal Honest Trailer

The Mummy was buried by a whole host of terrible reviews, and now Screen Junkies is pouring on even more dirt with a brutal Honest Trailer for the Tom Cruise flop. The movie, which kicked off a monster movie universe for Universal, starred Cruise as Nick Morton, a man who unintentionally becomes entangled in the supernatural after he awakens the ancient Princess Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella). 

"What is dead may rise again, and the past cannot stay buried for long, so when Universal needed a cinematic universe, they dug up the rotting, bloated corpse of The Mummy," the trailer began, knocking Universal's decision to use the film as the basis for their Dark Universe, as it has been dubbed. "Experience the terror of a film without a soul that lacks the fun of the Brendan Fraser version, misses the horror of the original, and settles into its own stale plate of action blockbuster cliches that managed to kill all hype for the Dark Universe before it even began."

The trailer then goes on to mock the movie's decision to turn the titular mummy from a terrifying monster into someone who is "all hot now, complete with sexy henna tattoos, strategically rotting bandages to keep a PG-13 rating, and the power to suck you dry." It makes fun of the deal she made with the devil that got her into this situation in the first place, as well as the many step plan that the heroes will need to follow in order to stop her. "This is exactly why people don't go to the movies anymore," the trailer says.

The trailer also hits on Tom Cruise's "younger man" Nick, a "home school Indiana Jones" who proves "that some people are just such boring dicks that even Tom Cruise can't make them charming." "Sit through this loose collection of studio notes masquerading as a single movie that somehow manages to talk down to you while also being so vague and sloppy, you don't know what's going on half the time," the trailer says. "With one unholy purpose holding it all together– make the Dark Universe happen."

The trailer then goes on to rip on Russell Crowe's Dr. Jekyll, the Dark Universe's Nick Fury, along with its S.H.I.E.L.D. and its very own "hall of spin-offs." "So if the prospect of an action movie universe starring guys in their 50's fighting monsters from the '30s excites you, saddle up for the first and potentially last time you'll get to see it before Universal gets the crazy idea, and I know this is nuts, just hear me out, to actually do something scary and original with a horror movie," the trailer concludes, referencing recent horror hits like Get Out and It.

While Tom Cruise Running From Sand might not have been the best way to kick off the Dark Universe, it is still moving full steam ahead, with Johnny Depp on board to play the Invisible Man and Javier Bardem set to play Frankensten's monster. The studio is also reportedly looking at Angelina Jolie for their Bride of Frankenstein film, which has a Valentine's Day of 2019 release date. While there is definitely still potential in the Dark Universe, see why we're worried it won't succeed.