Brooklyn Nine-Nine's Best Cold Opens, Ranked

We know what you're thinking: How could we have possibly narrowed the dozens of spectacular "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" cold opens down to a handful of standouts, never mind ranked them? Truth be told, the show has opened with so many funny moments that we could have just listed every single cold open and called it a day. "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" has consistently been one of the smartest, wittiest, and most progressive sitcoms on TV for years. How the cast ever gets any work done is beyond us, because there must be a lot of uncontrollable laughter on set. We have a sneaking suspicion that maybe, just maybe, the editing team are the unsung heroes of this particular sitcom.

How does one go about choosing "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" highlights when there are so many to choose from? Well, first we whittled down the definition of a cold open. Generally, the phrase describes any episode set-up that takes place before the opening title. But for the purposes of this list, and in accordance with the unique way "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" handles cold opens, we've defined it as any pre-title skit that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode. From gift basket gluttony to caffeine carnage, these cold opens are the best in "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" history.

The very first episode's cold open remains one of the series' best. While investigating a robbery at an electronics store, Jake and Amy take very different approaches to the case: Amy questions the owner, and Jake plays with keyboards, cameras, and anything else that happens to catch his eye. After Jake performs a speech from "Donnie Brasco," Amy feels the need to justify his unprofessional attitude to the store's owner. "I'd like to apologize for my partner," she says. "His parents didn't give him enough attention." 

Given what we now know about Ma and Pa Peralta, that remark is chillingly close to the truth. But the real kudos here go entirely to Jake's Fuzzy Cuddlebear speech. Having found video footage of the robbery thanks to a nanny cam hidden within a teddy bear, Jake just can't help himself. In a gruff voice, he makes the bear hit on Amy. When she walks away in disgust, Fuzzy exclaims, "Detective Santiago! Don't you walk away from me!" Thus, S.S. Peraltiago set sail ... on the back of a grizzled teddy bear detective.

When Charles treats the squad to some cold brew, he unintentionally causes a caffeine crisis so hilarious, there's no way it wasn't going to make this list. The size of Rosa's cup alone is worth the entry.

This is the sort of skit a show can really only do after its cast has been working together for a while. The timing necessary for the payoff to work takes years to perfect — and luckily, "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" has those years. Captain Holt, Rosa, and Jake have all somehow forgotten that cold coffee still has caffeine in it and gone to town on Charles' special brew. Again, have you seen the size of Rosa's cup? She drinks three of those. 

The resulting reaction is a thing of beauty. From slow-mo Charles to the double-speed trio, the writing, editing, and performances are stellar. But it's the caffeinated trio's interaction in the final seconds that pushes this gag into classic territory. Refusing to acknowledge what they've done to themselves, they all decide that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them whatsoever. Their individual "yups" gather speed and ultimately sync up, leaving us helpless with laughter.

It's no secret that Holt and Amy consider themselves to be head and shoulders above the rest of the squad — at least where puzzles are concerned. This superiority reaches its zenith in the cold open to "Maximum Security. After Holt gives them a brain teaser that will reveal the location of a clandestine meeting, most of the squad slowly trickles into the broom closet. Terry and Gina are already there when Jake arrives, apparently having solved the puzzle first (well, Terry did — Gina admits to just having followed him into a dark closet). Jake is way too full of himself over his victory, but does become suitably embarrassed when Amy's love of adult puzzle camp is brought up.

Perhaps the squad shouldn't be so quick to mock Amy's summertime activities, however. When they notice that Holt and Amy are absent, they consider that they might be in the wrong place. Hitchock and Scully's entrance confirms it. Jake is unable to contain his disappointment at discovering he's no smarter than Hitchcock and Scully, and it's beautiful. Also, Rosa's drawn-out pronunciation of "nerds" is unforgettable.

This cold open has everything that makes "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" great — and we're not just talking about Jake's mad skills. Stephanie Beatriz's complete commitment to deadpan delivery, which remains intact as she tosses donut holes at Andy Samberg, is on fire here. Then there's the spectacular soundtrack, which gives the skit a ton of cool points. Finally, the writers, apparently unsatisfied with the already brilliant idea of having Rosa toss donut holes into Jake's mouth, took things one step further. 

Jake misses catching a donut hole with his mouth, and it goes sailing off the roof. This looks like game over — and on any other show, it would be. But on "Brooklyn Nine-Nine," nothing is ever wasted, so it's only natural that the stray pastry finds a home in Scully's mouth. As he's walking into the precinct, several floors below, the donut hole pops into his gob. Yup, Rosa is that good. Fried desserts falling from the sky is literally Scully's idea of paradise, and the look of pure joy on his face is one of the funniest things you'll ever see.

When Hitchcock feels he's been badly treated at the local coffee shop, he vents his frustrations to the gathered squad members. He's about as worked up as we ever see him, so clearly, the slight has had a profound effect. Who knew Hitchcock was so concerned with how people see him? 

The squad very politely allows him to go on a tirade about the staff and customers' behavior, even as they grow visibly uncomfortable. But the rant doesn't end, and it falls to Jake to put the squad — and the entire city of New York — out of its misery. He interrupts Hitchcock to tell him that an intimate part of his anatomy is hanging out of his pants. That's right: Hitchcock accidentally exposed himself to everyone in the coffee shop. And on the street. Also, the precinct. What's most telling is the accidental flasher's immediate response: "Well, that's a relief." Better to be creepy than to be unpopular, apparently.

 Each member of the team picks a name for Secret Santa in this holiday-themed cold open — except for Rosa, who refuses to participate. What follows belongs entirely to Andy Samberg, thanks to his absolutely perfect delivery. Almost instantly identifying everyone's Secret Santa, Jake proceeds to humble-brag about his skills. We even discover he's legally changed his middle name to Sherlock, for exactly this sort of situation. 

Funny as that is, though, it's not the reason this cold open is ranked so highly. Rather than being impressed by Jake's antics, Holt speaks for, we assume, the whole squad when he suggests they re-do the draw but leave out the killjoy. This level of disappointment from his work-dad is more than Jake can handle. Daddy may well love nachos, but he loves Holt's approval way more. "Nooo!" Jake cries, "Sherlock wants a present!" Sometimes, a classic "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" gag achieves its lofty status by coming out of nowhere and leaving you in pieces. This is one such gag.