The Forgotten Jensen Ackles Slasher Movie You Can Watch On HBO Max
If you love Jensen Ackles but just didn't get enough of his chiseled gob over the course of Supernatural's approximately 67,848 seasons, then boy are you in luck. My Bloody Valentine, also known as My Bloody Valentine 3D, has hit the HBO Max streaming service, just in time for your bloody Valentine.
It all goes back to the year 2009, and a now-alien inclination for big groups of people to sit in crowded rooms together wearing shared facial accoutrements. Yes, America's love affair with 3D movies was rekindled once again. Everything from James Cameron's Avatar to M. Night Shyamalan's Avatar was getting stretched into the third dimension, and audiences were happily paying a premium for the experience. Case in point: My Bloody Valentine 3D, Lionsgate's remake of the underappreciated 1981 horror cult classic, this time with pickaxes that swing right at your supple eyeball skin.
The horror genre is a mixed bag, with an approximate 50/50 split between self serious entries and hard-leaning camp. If you're curious about which end of that spectrum My Bloody Valentine falls on, it's worth noting that the movie's co-writer, Todd Farmer, was responsible for Jason X, also known as "the Friday the 13th movie where Jason goes to space and gets lured into a holodeck program full of promiscuous teenagers." While this film never quite reaches those heights, that's roughly the level of seriousness you can expect ... in 3D.
My Bloody Valentine in eye-popping 3D
Directed by frequent Wes Craven collaborator Patrick Lussier, My Bloody Valentine 3D hits all of the classic slasher movie beats. A small town haunted by the memory of gruesome murder, commited by a killer in distinctive clothing? Check. Teenagers partying where they ought not party? Double check. Grizzly slaughter as the promised reward for youthful debauchery? Check with a viscera-coated pickaxe through its torso. It's miners killing minors ... in 3D.
The remake managed to land a decent reception from critics at the time with a 61% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes — not Paddington 2 numbers, but not bad for a movie that's basically all about finding the best way to shoot virtual blood through the screen and into the glasses of viewers. Australia's The Age called it "gore and nudity with a dash of self-awareness," and there's not much else you can ask for.
It's a little surprising that the film never spawned a franchise, given its not unremarkable run at the theater. Box Office Mojo puts My Bloody Valentine's budget at $15 million, with more than $100 million in worldwide returns. Somehow, the story of a guy in a mining helmet slaughtering youthful heathens slipped through the cracks in the studio system, robbing fans of sequels inevitably named things like Our Bloody Valentine or My Bloody St. Patrick's Day. Until Hollywood realizes that they're sitting on a gold mine, viewers will have to find contentment in what's available ... in 3D.