Movies You Loved When You Were A Kid But Would Never Watch Now

We all live in the shadow of the Disney empire — it only makes sense that some seek to profit from it. But we're not talking about knockoff Mickey ears here. We're talking about full-scale, movie-length con jobs like the ones perpetrated by Brazilian studio Video Brinquedo. What does Video Brinquedo do? Make movies they hope your nearsighted grandma will confuse for a Disney property. There's Ratatoing, starring a rat with dreams of being a gourmet chef. There's What's Up, featuring a house lifted into the air by a giant balloon. There's The Little Cars, full of cars with faces that love to race. You get the idea. But even they have their fandom in children who don't know any better — who might even think they're watching the Disney film they're expecting. If they've never seen the original before and they're too young to notice cheap animation, they might even have a good time.

But past the age of five or so, the cracks in the veneer are unavoidably obvious. Many character designs, especially in the Little Cars series, are identical, separated only by swapped colors. Physics don't behave quite as they should. Hair moves in big chunky blocks of color. They're lazy, cheap, and depend entirely on consumers confusing them for something else — but you can't fool people forever, and kids grow up to discover the movies they thought they were watching are something else entirely.

1982's bright-eyed adaptation of Annie, the classic story of a Depression orphan whisked off to a life of riches and ease, found favor with children of the era. As it's full of backflipping actors, catchy jingles about indoor swimming pools, and a life of fun and contentment, there's no mystery as to why. And indeed, Annie has a certain charm and energy that's hard to resist. Even if you absolutely hate the movie from beginning to end, there's still a significant chance you'll be humming "It's a Hard Knock Life" the next day. From its original incarnation as a monochrome newspaper strip, there's just something about Annie's infectious optimism that stays with you.

You might be tempted, as a result, to revisit it in your adulthood. But when you watch Annie with adult eyes, the flaws leap out: lopsided pacing, wooden acting, and a certain vulgarity that's hard to take. Annie should come served with a heaping side of wish fulfillment, sure, but there's a gleeful consumerism to the enterprise that's taken to almost grotesque heights. You can't help thinking about all the kids who don't end up as lucky as Annie — but the movie doesn't expect you to think that deeply. It turns out, most damningly of all, that if you're not a kid eager for the glitter of Annie's world, it's also... well, a little boring. Annie is fun for the little ones, but insulting to anyone older.

It's hard to remember now, but Pirates of the Caribbean was never supposed to be the mammoth success it became. For one, it's based off a theme park ride — and compared to the some of the attractions at Disney parks, a fairly sedate one. For another, the first installment was preceded by The Country Bears: also based off a Disney park ride, also heralding tremendous innovations in filmmaking technology, and yet a total and complete flop.

If you're a kid, the lesser aspects of The Country Bears aren't as obvious. It's got big humanoid bears in funny outfits! It's got fun music! There are lots of puns on the word " bear" and half of them aren't terrible! Plus, if you were a kid lucky enough to visit the ride in person, you got to experience the world of the movie from the inside in a bit of synergy that was then largely unexplored and still innovative. But oh, what a creaky mess The Country Bears is. Whatever charm a kid can find in it is groanworthy to an adult, the whole enterprise amounting to not much more than a soulless attempt at theme park marketing. It's cheesy, dull, and frankly, weird. It'd take another year and a whole lot of Johnny Depp in eyeliner to erase its stain from the world of Disney live-action fare.

Nintendo is a cultural institution few remain unconnected to. You need not be a hardcore gamer to have some familiarity with their properties, whether it's The Legend of Zelda, Pokemon, or most probably, Mario and his merry band of plumbers, turtles, and sentient toadstools. His is a cheery world in which the bad guys get beat, the princesses get saved, and brothers with a willingness to dive into mysterious green pipes can save the day. It's really no surprise there's a Mario movie — only that it managed to sidestep every ounce of charm the Mario series contains. 

 If you're under the age of 10 or so, you can remain ignorant of this. The sheer joy of seeing one's video game heroes on the silver screen counts for a lot when you're too young to have become jaded to that experience. But to an adult — well, there's a reason an entire generation has passed since this movie without seeing a sequel, or even one in the same vein. It is truly, legendarily terrible, an absolute stinker of poor acting and a nonsensical plot. If you're feeling nostalgic for the man in the blue overalls, take it from us: play a Mario game instead of revisiting the Mario movie.

American Idol is still a major part of popular culture — it has, in fact, spawned an entire genre of talent competition shows, from The Voice to America's Got Talent. When it began, however, it consumed the world's attention in a frenzy of speculation, album deals, and classic reality show drama that hasn't been equaled. Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini were omnipresent figures, their rags-to-riches stories irresistible, to say nothing of their abilities to belt out classics to the masses. The passion for them, separately and together, could not be denied. Enter From Justin to Kelly, a fictionalized romance even Kelly Clarkson has admitted to hating.

A teenager caught up in the excitement of the era could be forgiven for enjoying From Justin to Kelly's frothy take on teen cliches, including spring break, charming busboys, and all manner of beach shenanigans. Adults, however, will quickly understand why it's considered one of the worst movies ever made. It's not just lazily dependent on its stars' TV fame — it's plain old lazy. The cast seems half-asleep as they make their way from scene to scene, knowing as fully as the audience what a clunker of a cash-in they're in. Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson are plenty talented as singers — this movie just proves they didn't need to expand to the world of teen flicks. But when all the world as singing "A Moment Like This," who were media executives to deny themselves a lucrative tie-in?

Pokemon has long since proved it's more than a kiddie fad. From the games to the anime to the Detective Pikachu movie in which Deadpool's own Ryan Reynolds plays the beloved title character, Pokemon continues to rule the imagination of the young and the young at heart. But in the 1990s, it was new and confusing to the many parents who lived in its shadow and were, inevitably, dragged along to screenings of Pokemon: The First Movie. Why were only a few Pokemon able to talk? How come everyone wanted to get their hands on Ash's Pikachu? Their charges found something exciting in the morass of chattering characters and excitable tween protagonists, but it eluded anyone over 14.

There's good reason for that: It's not good. Pokemon: The First Movie is great fun if you're a kid with Pikachu fever, but the maudlin lessons and shockingly stiff animation lose their magic once puberty dawns. It's hard not to giggle at the Pokemon's tears reviving Ash's petrified body — harder still when Mewtwo, with his oddly pompous voice, talks gravely about having learned a valuable lesson in tolerance. Let it be a lesson: if you want to revisit Pokemon as an adult, stick to the games.