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Star Wars spin-offs we never want to see

Star Wars: The Force Awakens was just the first of what promises to be a massive Star Wars universe coming soon to a screen near you. We've been promised a number of spin-offs, including a Han Solo film, a Boba Fett film, and 2016's Rogue One, as well as two more parts in the current trilogy. There was even an offhanded comment made by someone at Disney that they had enough material for a new Star Wars Universe film every year. And while that could be awesome, Disney needs to tread lightly. There are a lot of potential spin-offs no one ever needs to see.

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The Moisture farmers

Just a downhome slice of life on Tatooine following the adventures of the desert-dwelling moisture farmers who, well, farm moisture. We all remember how much fun Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru's farm was, right? So much fun that Luke apparently took out a speeder and shot space rats for kicks to pass the time.This sounds like the kind of job serial killers should be doing.

A cross between The Grapes of Wrath and Far and Away, The Moisture Farmers is just a boring look into the lives of people who harvest dampness for a living on a planet where entertainment comes in the form of children and small aliens racing each other to the death.

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More Ewok adventures

The savvy among you may recall there actually was a Saturday morning Ewok cartoon produced for a short while, and it was just terrible. Following the life of Wicket Warrick and a motley crew of other English-speaking Ewoks on the forest moon of Endor, the story mostly focused around the Ewoks adventures in the woods and their battles with a species called Duloks, that look like mossy dog people.

Ewoks are generally considered the embodiment of George Lucas selling out, the too-cute-to-be-believed teddy bear people designed to sell stuffed animals really seemed out of place in a universe of Force choking and gutted tauntauns. It doesn't even matter what a spinoff movie featuring them would be about, but it would by definition be nearly unwatchable. For proof, check out the two (two!) garbage Ewok movies that came out in the '80s.

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Bounty hunting

Legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett is getting his own movie and that is super awesome. But never forget, Boba Fett was only the most successful bounty hunter in Star Wars. Vader had assembled a whole group of them and Jabba the Hutt employed a number of bounty hunters as well. And what could be worse than a cast of the B-list, forgettable bounty hunters from the Star Wars universe starring a Dog the Bounty Hunter knock-off featuring Zam Wessell, Bossk and IG-88? Wait, actually…that might be genius.

Still, hardcore Star Wars fans will argue until they're blue about how great those characters are. But if they were so great, why didn't they ever do anything in the movies?

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Youngling adventures

Maybe released under the Disney Jr. banner, Youngling Adventures would be the Star Wars movie that parents loathed. Yet, it would totally fit into the Hollywood cash grab scheme of pandering children's movies that have no substance. Think Baby Geniuses with lightsabers. Just a group of precocious toddlers being taught how to wield tiny lightsabers by a Muppet that isn't Yoda but may as well be. And then maybe the Jedi Council is running out of money and will be sold to an evil developer who hates kids and wants to build a droid factory, so the Younglings have to team up to find a way to save the Academy and put those evil droid makers out of business once and for all! Bonus points if one of the Younglings is chubby and uses the force to float cake into his own mouth at some point.

As an aside, they must always be referred to as Younglings and never children, just in case you forget this takes place in a galaxy far, far away where things must be labelled in as awkward a manner as possible.

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Sex and Coruscant City

Carrilo Bradshawa is a single, career minded woman living on Coruscant, the most bustling planet in the galaxy. Can she juggle her career as a space journalist with her social life without compromising her values and independence? Plus, can she avoid being killed by the Sith, because those guys are just ruthless?

Join Carrilo and her three best friends Sam-Antha, Charlo Fett, and M'rnda as they deal with the everyday trials and tribulations of being three single ladies and one single Hutt in Sex and Coruscant City.

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Anything with Jar Jar Binks

Jar Jar gets a lot of animosity tossed at him, and rightly so. In the years since he first reared his ugly head and assisted in the ruination of the prequels, it's possible some of us have forgotten just how terrible Jar Jar Binks really was. He was really, really terrible. He was a cartoon dropped into the middle of a live action movie. And that's not because he was a special effect, but actually because he was a one dimensional slapstick abomination, a pandering effort to attract children to a movie that would have attracted plenty of children on its own merits without a D-list Roger Rabbit knock off with a speech impediment and no purpose for existing.

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Home with the Hutts

Just picture Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, but with Hutts. A whole bunch of chubby worm people hanging out at dinner making gross jokes and eating little frog puppets that scream hilariously before they're consumed. Possibly while creepy Bib Fortuna delicately strokes them. Why was that guy so close to Jabba? It's best not to think of it.

If you doubt the possibility of this show even coming to fruition, remember that, in the prequel trilogy, Jabba appeared to have a wife Hutt of some kind. And worse yet, in the Clone Wars cartoons there was a Hutt curiously based on Truman Capote named Ziro who was purple and was inexplicably presented as a flamboyantly gay stereotype. No thank you.

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The Galactic Senate

The prequel trilogies tried, sort of, to explain just how it is the Empire rose to power and the Rebel Alliance came to fight them. Through three films, Senator Palpatine and Darth Sidious, who are the same damn guy, maneuver both sides towards a single outcome that puts him in charge of the galaxy, more or less. How does he do this? What war is the very title "Star Wars" referring to? Some kind of convoluted trade disagreement that gets hashed out in the galactic senate in the least interesting scene put to film in ages.

Clearly George Lucas loved the idea of extended space filibustering and alien trade disputes getting worked out through long-winded Senate votes. The worst possible spin-off that anyone could imagine would basically be a solid two hour intergalactic political drama as the various species of the Trade Federation try to decide how best to supply the people of Naboo with colorful face paints.