How Long You'd Survive In A Zombie Movie Based On Your Zodiac Sign
Regardless of what's happening in the real world, it's always a fun to think about how we'd all act in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Okay, so maybe "fun" isn't the right word. But it's something all fans of the horror genre have daydreamed about. Would you b-line for the nearest boat and head for Alaska? Would you be able to abandon an infected family member? Would you have the courage to let your fellow survivors know you got bitten while foraging for fresh water?
Zombie movies are a steadfast pillar of genre film, from the voodoo roots of 1932's "White Zombie" to George A. Romero's claustrophobic terror trip "Night of the Living Dead" to the 21st century's cursed and frightening innovation of "zombies but fast." Placing ourselves in a fictional perilous situation feels a lot more like a thought experiment than a sobering reality check, which is, of course, part of what makes the horror genre so enticing in the first place: It's an approachable way to think about how we'd act in the face of death ... quite literally, when zombies are concerned.
If you've always wanted to know how far you'd make it in a zombie movie, one key to that hypothetical query is to look to the stars themselves. That's right — the zodiac, the astrological system that assigns personality traits to all of humanity based on the position of the celestial objects on the date of their birth. Curious to see how your sign would fare in a zombie movie? Then read on, and remember to aim for the head!
Aries: Maybe a day or two
Represented by the celestial ram, courageous Aries likes to (literally) tackle everything life throws at them. They're the "shoot first and ask questions later" sign in the zodiac, a brazen fire sign with little patience for things like "a plan," "safety precautions," or "leaving well enough alone." Yes, for all their bravery and willingness to launch themselves into the thick of danger, Aries' impulsivity and quick temper make them a poor candidate as far as surviving the undead apocalypse is concerned. When you're trying to evade a necrotic horde, the last thing you want is someone in your party spontaneously rushing into the thick of things guns blazing. A well-thought-out plan can disintegrate into disaster when a hot-headed and easily bored Aries is involved.
We have no doubt that many of Aries' traits (their confidence, optimism, and honesty) would serve them well in the apocalypse. After all, Aries is ruled by Mars, the fearsome red planet that endows these rams with a readiness to do battle at a moment's notice. But surviving zombies requires more than just bravery and joie de vivre. You need tact and the ability to assess which risks might result in your insides becoming your outsides. Sometimes seeing another sunrise in a zombie movie is about not bashing in undead skulls. And those born between March 21 and April 19 rarely say no to a challenge. So while we salute your gumption, short-tempered Aries, we just don't think you have the attention span to make it to the end credits in the zombie film department.
Taurus: Your death would be swift and probably off-screen
One of the threads running throughout zombie movies is the loss of home. Plagues, pestilence, and the walking dead have a habit of driving survivors away from the place they've set down roots. One sure-fire way to avoid brain-hungry corpses is to avoid sticking around anywhere for too long. Getting comfy means letting your guard down, right? Staying mobile and alert means staying alive in a zombie movie. At the same time, it's a common trope for survivors to clamor after sanctuary of some kind — zombie-free safe-havens where they can finally stop running and settle down. Whether such rumors, repeated on obscure radio waves, hold any truth, is another matter entirely ... to be regarded with the utmost suspicion.
Unfortunately, this precarious relationship to "home" is what seals Taurus' fate in the zombie movie department. The second sign in the zodiac is a consummate homebody that doesn't do well with big changes. They need stability and security to function, and those two things are in short supply when zombies are concerned. Those born between April 20 and May 20 are stubborn to a fault. It's totally likely that they would outright refuse to leave their homes when the going got tough (and zombified). And given that Taureans don't budge for anyone, dead or alive, it's likely that this Earth sign would hunker down from the comfort of their own homes, refusing to abandon their creature comforts for a life on the run.
Gemini: You aren't just going to survive ... you're going to thrive
The first sign in the zodiac tends to get a lot of guff for being "two-faced." And the last thing you need in a zombie film is someone who isn't going to own up when they accidentally get bitten, right? Well, listen up, because we're here to dispel this myth about the celestial twins, whose intrinsic duality is less about being a Janus than a jack-of-all-trades. The mind of a Gemini fires at a million miles a minute; they're quick-witted, curious, and imaginative folks whose only real fear in life is being bored. And there's no shortage of problems to solve and skills to acquire in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.
Those born between May 21 and June 21 are wildly charismatic and supernaturally good at sizing people up. After all, Gemini takes after the expressive qualities of the messenger planet Mercury. They can make friends with just about anyone, and they have a blood hound-like sense for anyone who doesn't pass the vibe check. So, good news, Gemini, you aren't just going to survive a zombie film, you're going to thrive. After all, unlike the zodiac's stubborn proceeding sign Taurus, Gemini's mutability means that they are naturally restless and amenable to change. Being flexible and adjusting course to accommodate the walking dead is right up your alley.
Cancer: You die cradling an infected loved one in the film's third act
Cancer, please don't take this too hard, but your survival rate is very slim in the event of a zombie apocalypse. That said, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Let us explain: It's not that you're brash or lack courage. But, look, you have the emotional fortitude of wet tissue paper. This apocalypse just isn't yours to win.
And really, all the reasons that you'd bite the dust in a walking dead scenario have a noble bent to them. Those born between June 22 and July 22 are deeply maternal and nurturing souls. It's unlikely that you'd be able to make the tough calls that give zombie movies their dramatic punch. Cancers feel things very deeply, and being able to contend with heart-wrenching quandaries like zombified loved ones (and children) is probably more than your sensitive little soul can handle. To boot, given that the celestial crab is something of an emotional pack mule, there's a good chance that the trauma of, uh, the world ending might have a negative impact on your survival skills. How easy is it to pick a lock to a boarded-up pharmacy when you're choking back sobs?
The ability to harden your heart and say no to those in need is paramount if you want to survive a zombie movie. So, dear Cancer, because you're such a sweetheart, you're probably going to get bit while cradling the ailing body of an infected loved one. A rookie mistake. But it's a mistake that your emotion-filled Cancer heart can't help but make.
Leo: As long as you keep your ego in check, you're going to do just fine
If you were born between July 23 and August 22, we've got good news for you. While your brazen personality type doesn't tend to fare too well in most sub-genres on the horror color wheel, zombies are your bread and butter. The fifth sign in the zodiac is as warm and radiant as the sun, which just so happens to be this fire sign's ruling heavenly body. Their desire to stand apart from the crowd (with their hair blowing majestically thanks to an off-camera wind machine) tends to put a target on their backs. Pride, after all, is a Leo's greatest sin, and arrogance is rarely rewarded in horror films. But when it comes to zombies, having someone who skews more towards the "jock" side of things is a boon. And you, ever-confident Leo, are going to see this apocalypse to the end.
Born-leaders with an unerring talent to light up every room they're in, a Leo would surely take charge of a rag-tag group of survivors and skillfully unite them towards a common goal (namely: not dying). Brimming with unchecked (if somewhat hubristic) vitality, Leos are known for their stability and loyal friendships. They put every ounce of their boundless energy into their relationships. So while assuming control is often a death sentence in horror fare, a Leo's attempt to steer their group's ship out of zombified waters would have a solid chance at success. And while democracies are fine and dandy, desperate times call for desperate measures — which is to say, someone who can confidently call the shots, command respect, and provide a desperately needed morale boost when times inevitably get tough.
Virgo: We'll see you in the sequel
Humble, exacting, and outlandishly practical, Virgo, there is not a doubt in our minds that you would survive a zombie apocalypse. We're not saying that you're the doomsday preppers of the zodiac. But we're also not not saying that. Virgo governs the digestive system (fitting, considering the cannibalistic circumstances). And much like a sensitive stomach, no detail escapes your notice, no matter how insignificant or dismissible to others. Less observant signs might not think to check the back door while scavenging at a local pharmacy. But your computer processor-like mind thinks of everything. And the last thing your group needs is a security breach while hunting for aspirin. You've been mocked for your meticulous, logical nature your whole life. But now it's those very instincts that are ensuring that little Timmy doesn't stand too close to a window within grabbing range.
Those born between August 23 and September 22 may initially struggle with the unpredictability of the apocalypse. But making order out of chaos is your bread and butter. Your innate resourcefulness and industrious desire to serve the greater good would be an asset to any cinematic survivor-hopefuls. Gentle Virgo always wants to help. That's their default setting. That, coupled with your committed desire to leave everything better than when you found it, makes you a surefire candidate for zombie film survival.
Libra: Conflict resolution will get you far
Libra, we have great news: There's a very good chance that you're going to see this whole "end of the world" thing to the, uh, end. If you've been around the cinematic zombie block, you know that the real hurtle of any undead apocalypse worth its salt isn't zombies, it's people. Social skills are just (if not more) important than the ability to confidently lodge a machete into a softened, re-animated spinal column. And luckily for those born between September 23 and October 23, diplomacy comes as natural as breathing to these air signs. After all, Libra is represented by the celestial scales. They despise inequality and a lack of balance, preferring to resolve conflicts and maintain harmony within their social circles at all costs.
If there's one kink in your well-intentioned chain, dear Libra, it's that you're a little too obsessed with embodying the idea of capital "G" Goodness. While you are genuinely compassionate, empathetic, and keen to see every side of a conflict, it is very important to you that you appear to be virtuous. Given the amount of moral quandaries that await you in a zombie film, often with no clear right and wrong but rather a smattering of gray, you may have to make some tough calls and get your hands a little dirty. But as long as you can make your peace with that reality, you're a very reliable horse to bet on in the zombie survivability department.
Scorpio: You're not long for this zombified world
Those born between October 24 and November 21 are often mistaken for fire signs. And it's not too hard to see why: Their celestial symbol, the scorpion, is an intimidating creature. And fire is, traditionally speaking, the element most commonly associated with villainy. But don't worry, dear Scorpio, we know that you're really a sensitive, emotion-riddled water sign. Unfortunately, all those big unwieldy feelings aren't going to do you any favors in a zombie movie. Scorpios have a tendency to push others away when they get too close and to lash out when they feel like their hard shell is at risk of penetration by perceived predators. As a result, Scorpios have a tendency to sting themselves in the process, a self-defeating tendency that will likely prove fatal in an undead apocalypse.
Scorpios are very good at appearing mean and stoic, but their fear of appearing vulnerable often leads to unnecessarily burnt bridges. So as much as this sign's admirable fearlessness and rock-solid intuition would buy them a day or two in the zombified wasteland, their long-term survival is a little more suspect. Working well in a group is going to be paramount if you want to make it to a better, less plague-stricken tomorrow. And Scorpios would rather keep to themselves and watch the world burn.
Sagittarius: You make it to the end credits
Sagittarius, there's a very good chance that you've been waiting for something like a zombie apocalypse your whole life. Sure, everyone dying (and then un-dying) is kind of a downer. But this kind of lifestyle — moving from town to town and endlessly inventing new ways to outrun and outsmart your undead enemy — you could get used to this. The final fire sign of the zodiac is a dyed in the wool explorer in both a physical and an intellectual sense. They're restless voyagers who get antsy when they stay in one place for too long, a trait that's sure to serve them well as they stay mobile in an attempt to sidestep the walking dead. Where other signs might pine for home or a sense of stability, dynamic Sagittarius prefers to live their life out of a suitcase (or a tactical backpack).
This ever-curious, exploratory approach to the physical world also applies to more intellectual pursuits. Those born between November 22 and December 21 are also ruthless empiricist. They crave knowledge like a zombie craves brain. If any sign in the zodiac is going to try and find a cause — or even better, a cure – for zombification, it's Sagittarius.
Capricorn: You're going to go the distance
Hey, uh, Capricorn? If there's any room, would you mind if we joined up with your group of survivors? We just noticed that you guys have running water, a mushroom farm, solar-powered air conditioning, and nary a dull machete in sight. Truly, if there was any sign you'd want to get in good with in the event of a zombie apocalypse, it's Capricorn, the ambitious and disciplined final earth sign of the zodiac. Those born between December 22 and January 19 are ruled by the planet Saturn, a heavenly body that endows them with an enviable organizational and hands-on mindset. If a Capricorn has a task, they do it, and they do it right the first time.
Capricorns have a near-superhuman ability to push forward when the times get tough. And it's not good intentions or knowledge that's going to see you through to the other side of a zombie apocalypse, it's action. Capricorns are doers with a unique balance of confidence and humility, which is sure to save their skin should any survivors mistake their hard working demeanor as a power play. Capricorns stay in their lane, and they attend to that lane very well. They would be an asset to any group of survivors and a bane to any zombie foolish enough to cross their paths.
Aquarius: You're going to start a cult ... and it isn't going to go well
There are a handful of inevitabilities in zombie movies — shambling corpses, never knowing who to trust, and existential crises. But one recurring undead calling card is especially relevant for those born between January 20 and February 18. For some reason, when a zombie apocalypse breaks out, a small subset of folks take the ensuing chaos as an opportunity (or worse, a sign) to start a cult. Ranging from religious sects who see the undead rising as proof of the end of days to good old fashioned personality-worship, cults and zombie apocalypses go hand in hand. And one sign in the zodiac is especially, shall we say, susceptible to cultish thinking: Aquarius, the water-bearer.
Despite their hydro-sounding name, the eleventh sign in the zodiac is an intellectual air sign consumed with high-minded thoughts about humanity's big purpose. Aquarians aren't interested in towing the line of what other people deem "normal." And given that they're a lot more interested in humanity as a whole than individual people, we wouldn't put it past these high-minded air signs to use the zombie apocalypse as an opportunity to set humanity on a newer, higher path. While fringe groups are part and parcel as far as the apocalypse is concerned, as a general rule, cult leaders in genre films tend to meet sticky ends. So try to be a benevolent leader, innovative Aquarius, and try not to fly too close to the sun. Crossbows are plentiful these days.
Pisces: Sadly, you're going to quickly stumble into a bear trap (or an undead horde)
Pisces, it brings us no joy to tell you this, but there isn't a chance that you're going to survive the zombie apocalypse. If we had to put money on your inevitable demise, we'd bet that you're most likely to wander into a bear trap while sleepwalking or picking flowers, lost in thought and unaware that your fellow survivors set up a safety perimeter around your camp for the night. All the things that make you, the final sign of the zodiac, so special — your romanticism, imagination, and uncanny ability to "check out" — aren't going to serve you well in a doomsday scenario. Ruled by the gargantuan celestial force of the gaseous planet Jupiter, your inability to stay grounded in the material realm is bound to catch you off guard (in the jagged maw of the aforementioned bear trap) sooner rather than later.
If you were born between February 19 and March 20, perception and vigilance are likely not really in your wheelhouse. You're more partial to riding the ceaseless wave of the collective unconscious than you are boarding up windows or refilling jerry cans. Then again, every zombie film needs its first victim to make the stakes abundantly clear. And if it means you get to sublimate into the ether of the universe, so be it.