The Most Terrible Things Woody Has Ever Done
Toy Story is a funny, charming movie about friendship and acceptance—until you start to question it. What if our toys really are alive, watching our every move? What if they actually do have opinions and feelings, and what if they really do feel sad as we inevitably grow older and relegate them to basements, yard sales, and musty old cardboard boxes?
That's terrifying. If you want to keep your childhood intact, it's better not to think about it. The same goes for Woody, one of Toy Story's two leads. While Woody is generally considered a leader and a hero, he's got a dark side that comes out whenever something stands between him and the love of his life, his owner Andy. Toy and human alike, Woody won't hesitate to sacrifice others in order to secure his place as Andy's favorite plaything—so if you get in his way, watch out. Chances are, you won't even see it coming.
He knocked Buzz Lightyear out of a window
According to Director and Walt Disney Animation's Chief Creative Officer John Lasseter, during Toy Story's pre-production, "Woody was a jerk." As Andy's favorite toy, Woody spent Toy Story's early drafts lording over the bedroom, sabotaging newcomer Buzz Lightyear's attempts to make friends with Andy and the gang at every step.
While Woody's malevolence was toned down over time (let's be honest—making Tom Hanks unlikable would take far more effort than it's worth), traces of it still linger in the final product. When Buzz first arrives, Woody is jealous pretty much immediately. When Andy's mother tells him that he can only bring one toy to the local pizza parlor, Woody launches a scheme that ends up with Buzz falling out of the window and landing in the bushes below, seemingly lost forever. It's so extreme that the other toys gang up on Woody and accuse him of murder.
And, okay, while Buzz's multi-story tumble was an accident, it's not like Woody's motives were pure. Woody was still trying to sabotage Buzz's attempts to grow closer to Andy—he was just trying to trap Buzz underneath Andy's desk, and not, y'know, kill him. At any rate, Buzz ends up healthy enough to pick a fight with Woody as Andy and his mother leave them behind, but it's not for a lack of trying on Woody's part.
He traumatized a (mostly) innocent child
Andy's next door neighbor, Sid, might be the main villain in Toy Story, but let's get one thing clear: from Sid's perspective, he's perfectly innocent. Yes, Sid tortures and tears apart his toys, and yes, when he puts them back together, the results are uniformly terrifying. But Sid, like Andy, has no idea that his toys have lives of their own—and, as the Toy Story franchise shows again and again, all of the toys take great pains to keep it that way.
Sid thinks he's handling inanimate objects, not sentient creatures. As a result, the only truly cruel thing that he does in Toy Story is bully his younger sister. If you have siblings, you know that's pretty much par for the course (and if you don't, well, consider yourself lucky). That's what makes Toy Story's climactic confrontation so unfair. In order to save Buzz from being blown up by Sid's rocket, Woody reveals that they're very much alive, and warns the kid to "play nice." Sid's mutant creations stalk him around the backyard like horror movie villains. Appropriately, Sid suffers a minor mental breakdown and runs inside screaming. It's a pretty harsh punishment for someone who didn't know he was doing anything wrong.
Woody's plan has long-lasting effects, too. As both the filmmakers and critics note, the way that Sid tears down and rebuilds his toys shows a remarkably amount of creativity. And yet, what happens to him? In Toy Story 3, Sid reappears as a garbage man (the shirt gives him away). That's a well-paying job, but it's not a creative one, and it sure looks like Woody scared all of the imagination right out of him. We never thought we'd say it, but... poor Sid.
He tried to leave Jesse and the rest of the Roundup gang behind
In Toy Story 2, Woody is in bad shape. Not only is he separated from Andy, and not only is he missing his arm, but he's trapped in the home of Al McWhiggin, a toy collector. While in McWhiggin's clutches, Woody learns that he's an ultra-rare figurine from the '50s, when a show called Woody's Roundup delighted children around the country. Woody is the final piece that McWhiggin needs to complete Roundup collection, which includes Woody's female sidekick Jessie, his horse Bullseye, and an elderly prospector named Stinky Pete. With the set complete, McWhiggin plans to sell the entire Roundup gang to a toy museum in Japan—presumably in return for a healthy profit.
While that's terrifying for Woody, the rest of the Roundup crew is delighted. See, before McWhiggin found a Woody toy to complete his collection, Jessie and the rest spent years trapped in storage. Living in a museum, where kids can enjoy them—even behind glass—is a far more appealing future than spending the rest of time in a dark cardboard box.
So, naturally, Woody tries to help his newfound friends escape, or at least sticks around so that they won't head back to the attic, right? Wrong. As soon as the opportunity presents itself, Woody makes a dash for his severed arm and then for freedom, leaving Jessie and the others to their dismal fate. He fails, of course, thanks to Stinky Pete (who blames Jessie), but it's hard to feel too bad for him. Woody claims that he's trying to get back for Andy's sake, but really, he's only thinking about himself.
He shot a security guard
Okay, so maybe this one isn't as bad as it sounds. The gun in question shoots darts, not bullets, and the security guard ends up more surprised than hurt. Still, Woody's smirk as he huddles behind the firearm, gloating over his perfectly executed headshot, is outright chilling.
This also marks another instance of Woody and the other Toy Story toys taking out their frustrations on someone who absolutely does not deserve it. In Boom! Studios' Toy Story: Mysterious Stranger #2, Andy builds a ridiculously complicated science fair project. Before he can deliver it to the school auditorium, Rex breaks it. Andy doesn't notice and takes the display to school anyway. With judging coming up the next morning, Woody and the gang must fix Andy's project—and save his report card—by sneaking into the school and replacing the missing part.
Of course, the auditorium is protected by a guard, who the toys must deal with before than can save they day. In this case, Woody and his friends decide to do so by torturing the man. Woody shoots him in the face. Bo Peep spills marbles on the floor, tripping the guard and making him fall flat on his back (and ruining another kid's science fair project, because as long as it's not Andy's, that seems okay). Buzz blinds him with a fog machine. It's awfully harsh treatment for a kind man (before the attack, the guard takes the toys to the lost and found and reassures them that their owner will rescue them in the morning) who's just doing his job—and on a school employee's salary, too.
He wished for a dog's death
Andy might have an unhealthy attachment to his toys, but he does have other interests. He goes to cowboy camp every year. Sometimes, he goes on vacations with his family. And, while Woody and Buzz might think they're Andy's best friends, they're no match for Buster, the puppy that Andy receives at the end of the original Toy Story.
Toy Story: Mysterious Stranger #3 details the immediate aftermath of Buster's arrival at the Davis household. Not only is Buster a rival for Andy's affection (which, as we know from previous Toy Story installments, is something that the toys fear even more than death), and not only does the dog know that the toys are alive and try to blow their cover, but Buster, like most other puppies, likes to chew on anything that fits in his mouth. That includes Woody and his friends. Understandably, all of the toys freak out when Buster arrives. Woody tries to calm them down.
"Buster is a dog—a real, live, flesh-and-blood dog," he begins. "And that dog is going to grow up. Fast. He'll only be a puppy for so long, and then he'll be a grown-up dog for so long, and then... that's it." Woody doesn't elaborate, but the implication is clear: Buster is going to die.
By contrast, Woody claims, toys are "timeless." Someday, Buster will kick the bucket, and when he does the toys will be there to comfort Andy in his grief. That's an awfully dark pep talk, but it works. The toys calm down long enough for Woody to come up with a plan—or to wait out Buddy's short life. After all, Woody has time.
He stole a police car
In the second issue of Boom! Studios' ongoing Toy Story series, Toy Story #1 (the series begins with number zero), Buzz is in trouble. Andy's well-meaning grandmother accidentally bought her favorite grandson a second Buzz Lightyear figure, and before the boy can return it for something he doesn't have, the brand new Buzz breaks out of his packaging, stuffs "our" Buzz inside, and his takes his place. Classic Buzz goes to the toy store's return pile, and it's up to Woody to get him back.
That means sacrificing some of Woody's less good friends in the rescue effort, and committing some light grand theft auto in the process. In order to get past Andy's dog Buster and out of the house, Woody distracts the puppo with an impromptu game of fetch—which includes using Wheezy, Andy's rubber penguin, as a chew toy. Next, a group of toys steal Andy's mother's car, working together to drive to the toy store. Along the way, a police cruiser pulls over the vehicle for going way, way too slow—and as the puzzled officer tries to figure out who's driving the thing, the toys sneak out and make off with his car, leaving the civil servant stranded in the case of an actual emergency.
At least all of this is done in the service of rescuing a friend. Woody spends the rest of the drive to the store flirting with the cop's GPS unit while his long-suffering girlfriend Bo Peep is stuck at home, and all he can offer as an excuse is, "I think it's that voice. Hot, huh?" That one, Woody, is all on you.
He treated Bo Peep like a sex object
In Toy Story #4, Buzz Lightyear—under Andy's influence, of course—rescues Bo Peep and her flock of sheep from a raging monster called Bukitakus. Once the sheep are safe and Andy's run off to the store with his mother, Bo offers Buzz a kiss as a form of thanks. Woody is generally a pretty good guy, but as we've seen time and time again, he has a jealous streak a mile wide. When Bo puckers up, Woody interrupts. When the other toys demand kisses, Woody loses his freakin' mind.
Instead of trusting Bo to stay true to their long, committed relationship, like someone who trusts their partner would do, Woody decides that the toys need to "fight" for Bo's affection. And so, he sets up an Olympics-style competition. The toy that gets first place wins a kiss from Bo. There's just one problem: Bo doesn't want to kiss the winner, and she doesn't want to be treated like an object.
She out and out says so, too."I didn't agree to this," Bo protests. "You're making me a prize to be one." That doesn't deter Woody. Ignoring Bo's wishes, Woody presses on with the competition, which spills into Toy Story #5. All along the way, Bo warns Woody that if she has to kiss someone else, she and Woody are through. Woody persists. Buzz wins the contest and the kiss. Bo and Woody make up ("Buzz offered to watch the sheep tonight," Bo purrs, pulling down a blind to give the couple some privacy as they engage in some thankfully unspecified romantic activities), but not before Bo warns Woody that if he ever pulls a stunt like that again, it's over for good.
Honestly, Bo? You can do better.