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Hilarious Tour De Pharmacy Trailer Races In

Winning (and other things) are in these cyclists' blood in the first full trailer for HBO's upcoming mockumentary Tour de Pharmacy. The movie, which stars literally every actor or actress you've ever loved, talks about doping scandals in professional cycling, specifically surrounding the 1982 Tour de France, where "nearly every rider was on drugs."

"It was a very f***ed up year for bicycle riding," says Dolph Lundgren's character at the start of the trailer. It then introduces us to a few of the riders involved in that f***ed up year, including Danny Glover, who is dealing with nothing but his own sweat and blood and tears and extra blood; Orlando Bloom, who knows there's something fishy going on; and John Cena, who insists that his jacked physique is just what happens when you train super hard on the bicycle. 

When nearly everyone is on drugs, things go off the rails quickly, as shown when the trailer devolves into a slapping fight between most of the race's competitors. "Cyclists are incredible athletes as far as endurance goes, but a great deal of them fight like little b***hes," Mike Tyson says.

The trailer ends with a gloriously decked out Jeff Goldblum explaining just what's at stake in these widespread scandals. "People dope," he says. "Yeah. This is a sport with literally hundreds of dollars on the line and dozens of fans. The stakes are medium." 

Andy Samberg, Freddie Highmore, Daveed Diggs, Lance Armstrong, J.J. Abrams, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Kevin Bacon, Joe Buck, Nathan Fielder, Will Forte, Maya Rudolph, James Marsden, Julia Ormond, Phylicia Rashad, and Chris Webber also star in Tour de Pharmacy, which was directed by Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates' Jake Szymanski based on a script from Girls' Murray Miller. The movie will premiere on HBO on July 8; while we wait, see some of the other films that will blow you away this year.