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The Most Uncomfortable Love Scenes In Video Games

Video games do many things well. Intimacy is not one of them. While developers around the planet have perfected the art of using modern technology to render decapitations, headshots, dismemberments, and explosions, in-game love scenes still tend to look like a toddler smashing two Barbie dolls together (there's totally a game about that, by the way).

Still, every now and then, an in-game love scene travels far beyond the uncanny valley, delivering an experience that's awkward, gross, hilarious, misguided, or all of the above—kind of like sex itself. If you're looking for evidence that video games are the next great artistic medium, you won't find it here. If you want to cringe and turn yourself off of sex forever, well, you're in the right place.

Grand Theft Auto 5—Digitally complicit

The Grand Theft Auto series' relationship with sex—particularly with regards to women—has been problematic since the very beginning, but for the most part, you can ignore the series' less savory elements if you so choose. Despite what critics claim, you don't have to run over prostitutes in your car, or visit the in-game strip clubs, or hack your copy of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas to partake in the shoddy, half-finished, and controversial "Hot Coffee" minigame.

If you want to get 100% in Grand Theft Auto V, however, you have to complete "The Sex Tape," a mission in which the skeezy paparazzo hires Franklin to film a sex scene between starlet (and alleged Lindsay Lohan doppelganger) Poppy Mitchell and one of her co-stars. Not only does Grand Theft Auto V force you to watch a disinterested Poppy do the deed while she plays on her smartphone, but you'll do so through a camera lens.

It's an intentionally gross scene—that's kind of Grand Theft Auto's M.O.—and it's made much worse by the fact that you're basically committing a digital sex crime. In the wake of the past few years' worth of celebrity photo leaks, the mission goes from skeevy to downright cringe-worthy. Grand Theft Auto V is a great game, but sometimes it goes too far. Once you get that Platinum Trophy, you'll be happy that you won't have to play this quest ever again.

Dragon Age: Inquisition—Too much information

Iron Bull isn't actually a bull, but he's named after one, looks like one, and is hung like one, and if your Inquisitor manages to strike up a romance with the Qunari mercenary (or just flirts with him enough that he offers you a personal bull ride—yes, seriously), he won't let you forget it. Before Iron Bull and your Inquisitor do the deed, he'll offer you a chance to back out, claiming that you don't know what you're in for. In Iron Bull's sex scenes, a black box covers his, ahem, gifts—and if the size of the censor bar is any indication, he's not all talk, either. In fact, BioWare's designers actually crafted a detailed set of genitals for Iron Bull, although hackers claim that the model was changed for the final game.

Other characters bring up Iron Bull's size, too, asking "How can you walk?" after a successful sex scene. During one scene, the Inquisitor's entire staff wanders into the room while Iron Bull is nude, and they see everything—and are appropriately embarrassed and impressed at the same time. Iron Bull is a great character, and his romance scenes are some of the most interesting (and funniest) in the game, but c'mon. He's big. We get it.

At least Iron Bull is shameless no matter who he's sleeping with. If you choose not to pursue an Iron Bull romance, he'll hook up with the mage, Dorian, and has no qualms telling you all about it. While on missions, he teases Dorian about losing his underwear in Iron Bull's bedroom. He tells you that Dorian sets things on fire when he gets aroused. Dorian isn't thrilled about his boyfriend's candor, and honestly, neither are we. Whatever you do in private is fine, Bull, but not everyone needs to hear about it.

Stick Shift—Caught in the act

In Robert Yang's Stick Shift, a man gives his car a handjob. That's the entire game. As the unnamed driver, players have to rub your hand up and down a car's gear stick (not a euphemism) while cruising through the city streets. As your car gets more and more excited, the engine revs, and you need to switch gears to keep the momentum going. Eventually, the car goes into overdrive, the driver's eyes start glowing, and—most of the time—the game ends with fluid leaking from the vehicle's tailpipe.

The premise isn't what makes Stick Shift's autoerotic love scenes uncomfortable. Stick Shift is weird and funny, but it's also extremely well-made and surprisingly intense. It's also grossly unsatisfying about half of the time. In Stick Shift, there's a 48% chance that a police car will pull the player over right as the car kicks into high gear, interrupting the action right before the climax.

It's a jarring and unsettling violation, and that's entirely by design. According to studies that Yang sites in his artist's notes, "of the LGBT violence survivors who interacted with police, 48% reported that they had experienced police misconduct." Getting pulled over in Stick Shift doesn't just feel like being walked in on during an intimate moment, either. If the police catch you and give you a ticket—even though you're not actually doing anything wrong—you won't be able to play the game for 10 minutes. If you protest by blowing the officers a kiss, the cops will add another 10 minutes onto your sentence.

Stick Shift's police officers don't just interrupt some good, old-fashioned man-on-car sexytimes. They're actually physically oppressive. It's not fun, but it's not supposed to be—and that's what makes Stick Shift so, so good.

Bachelor Party—That's not how this works

Almost as long as there have been video games, there have been video games about sex. Bachelor Party, which came out for the Atari 2600 in 1982, isn't the earliest game to feature digital lovemaking, but it's one of the most blatant examples of just how wrong the medium gets, well, everything.

Bachelor Party is a fairly basic Breakout knock-off, except that the ball is replaced by a naked man and the bricks are naked women. When the man and the woman collide, they have sex. You know this because the man goes from erect to limp, and doesn't recover until he hits the paddle, which represents a bottle of the all-natural aphrodisiac Spanish Fly (the dude also loses his enthusiasm when he collides with the wall, which makes sense, because ouch).

This is uncomfortable for a few reasons. For one, smashing two bodies violently into each other isn't exactly how copulation works. For another, even if it was biologically correct, it sounds incredibly painful. There's also the whole exploitation factor—which, given the game's primitive graphics, is more embarrassing than titillating—and the fact that, by the way, that much Spanish Fly would literally kill a person.

To top it all off, just think: somewhere out there, there's bound to be an '80s kid who learned everything he knows about sex from playing Bachelor Party. Can you imagine what'd be like once he enters the real world? What happens when he goes to an actual bachelor party? Awkward.

Dante's Inferno—Seduced by a dead woman

Cleopatra may not have been as beautiful as Helen of Troy, but she must've had her charms. After all, she was able to seduce both Julius Caesar and one of his immediate successors, Marc Antony. From all accounts, any man would've been lucky to have her—while she was still alive, at least.

In Dante's Inferno, Visceral Games' take on Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy, the titular poet-turned-soldier, finds that out the hard way. While roaming through Hell, Dante runs into the deceased Egyptian queen while exploring the Inferno's second Circle, Lust. It doesn't go well for either of them. Cleopatra raises a Carnal Tower to block Dante's progress, and in response, Dante climbs to the very top and kills Marc Antony, who's trapped in Hell alongside his one-time lover.

In a last-gasp attempt to save her life, Cleopatra jumps into Dante's arms and tries to seduce him, running his hand over her chest and moaning seductively. For some reason, Dante doesn't accept. Maybe it's Cleopatra's bloody eye shadow. Maybe it's the scars around her mouth. Maybe it's her cold, lifeless flesh, or maybe Dante just isn't attracted to dead women who just tried to kill him. Whatever the case, Dante thrusts his blade into Cleopatra (phallic much?) and she fades away, moaning the whole time.

God of War: Ghost of Sparta—Where everyone can see you

God of War's protagonist, Kratos, is a manly man. You know he's a manly man because he kills things and has sex. Lots and lots of sex. The God of War series has rightly received a fair amount of criticism for its sex scenes, which present women as trophies to be won (and, honestly, ones that Kratos doesn't even have to fight too hard for) and which boil intercourse down to a decidedly unsexy button-pushing minigame.

But even among the franchise's over-the-top tributes to Kratos' virility, God of War: Ghost of Sparta's orgy scene stands out. As Kratos strides into Sparta, a bevy of attractive women lure him into a bedroom. He throws two of them onto the bed, and gets to work. With every button press, another woman joins in the action. Before long, they're arriving in pairs. Eventually, players just mash the circle button as fast as they can, while the game's audio track devolves into moans and the sound of a creaking bed.

Oh, and by the way, Ghost of Sparta launched on the PlayStation Portable. This is a game that was designed to be played in public. If you don't want the world to know that you're enjoying a virtual orgy, maybe give Ghost of Sparta a pass—or, for the love of Zeus, at least put on a pair of headphones.

The 11th Hour—Consumed by your lover

A traditional date goes something like this: a nice dinner, a movie, and then, if things go well, up to someone's apartment for some "coffee." In The 11th Hour, it's more like: investigate your girlfriend's disappearance, track her down to a house owned by a demonic toy-maker, sleep with a seductive stranger, and then have your insides grilled and eaten.

The 11th Hour is a sequel to the early '90s adventure game The 7th Guest, which used the then-brand-new CD-ROM technology to mix puzzles with horror movie-inspired full-motion video. Like its predecessor, The 11th Hour asks players to wander around Henry Stauf's mansion, uncovering the mystery of what exactly happened there in the past. The plot is convoluted and confusing, especially if you haven't played the first game, but for our purposes, there's really only one thing that you need to know.

After The 11th Hour's protagonist, an investigative reporter named Carl Denning, solves most of the mansion's mysteries, he's forced to choose between three women. Samantha, one of Stauf's victims, promises that she'll end Stauf's reign of terror for good. Robin, Carl's girlfriend, appeals to Carl's emotions. Marie, who is attractive, offers sex.

Choosing Samantha leads to the "good" ending, but choosing Marie results in the fun one. Marie leads Carl to the bedroom and they start making out, but before they start bumping uglies, Marie transforms into Stauf, rips off his wig, and starts munching on a plate of ribs.As it turns out, the ribs are Carl's (when exactly they were removed and barbequed isn't totally clear), and the game ends with Stauf chowing down and laughing.

The Sims—Every action has a consequence

Sims don't make love, they make WooHoo. See, when two Sims love each other very much, they'll retreat to the bedroom for some decidedly PG-13 related shenanigans. Like pretty much everything else in the Sims, the love scenes are cartoony and endearing. It's what happens afterwards that's so uncomfortable.

For example, in The Sims 2, if WooHoo leads to conception, your Sims don't even have time to roll over and light a cigarette before a special sound plays, signaling a baby's imminent arrival. Whether you're trying to get your Sims pregnant or not, it completely kills the mood. Things get worse, too. If you don't conceive (or just decide that WooHoo is kind of fun), you can make them go at it again. And again. And again. In fact, if you're not careful, your Sims can die of exhaustion after over-exerting themselves in the bedroom, which isn't something that most people find all that sexy (if you do, please leave it to yourself).

However, in The Sims, death isn't necessarily the end of the line. In a special feature that's sure to make Dan Aykroyd proud, The Sims 3's ghosts can get pregnant, too, and sometimes even give birth to adorable little ghost babies, just to bring everything full-circle.