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Things That Will Ruin Captain America: Civil War

Marvel Comics' Civil War was an important landmark for comics. By forcing super-powered heroes and villains to have accountability for how they used their powers, Civil War asked some critical questions of an imaginary universe. Should the government be able to tell Captain America where he can stick his vibranium shield? Should Ant-Man have to tag and register all of his ants? Do they have the right to put a breathalyzer in Iron Man's armor? With the cinematic Captain America: Civil War on the horizon, how much can Hollywood screw up this awesome story? Probably a lot. Here's why. Oh, and beware: minor spoilers for the comics below...

The X-Men Nixed

Because different movie studios now own different superhero teams, the X-Men won't be appearing anywhere in Civil War. This fact is remarkably sucky, as the X-Men are able to provide a neutral voice between Iron Man's pro-registration posse and Captain America's anti-registration renegades in the comics the movie's based on. The X-Men are no strangers to government persecution, so their experience being buried under movie studio bickering is a true loss for the film. Which mutant has the power to make studios less greedy?

Forget The Fantastic Four

Another victim of studio squabbles, the Fantastic Four won't be appearing in Civil War either. One of the more poignant divides occurred within comics' first family: Mr. Fantastic sides with Iron Man, while Invisible Woman and Human Torch go on the run with Captain America. Even more tragic, the chronically-depressed Thing just decides to leave the country by himself. No one cares if the Avengers split up, because they're all kind of jerks anyhow. Seeing a family divided by the politics of registration would actually be meaningful, though.

Where Hulk Go?

No one sits down to any Avengers movie because they really love Hawkeye. Everyone's truly there for one reason, and that reason is the Hulk. With Mark Ruffalo not signed on to play the green giant in Civil War, how will they explain his absence? At this point in the comics, Hulk had been deemed too awesome for Earth and was blasted into space, but Earth's Mightiest Movie Heroes haven't really been to the great beyond just yet. Instead, Hulk will probably just be hiding after the events of Age of Ultron, quite possibly to cut down on CGI expenses, which is a pretty pathetic way to explain his absence. Hulk call out sick.

A Brief Introduction

Civil War includes a roster of just about every Avenger we've seen so far, as well as a bunch of superdudes we haven't seen yet. Is an all-out battle royale really the best time to throw in newcomers Spider-Man, Crossbones, Baron Zemo, and Black Panther? All of these are important characters in their own right, with Spidey and Panther even getting their own movies in a few years, but Marvel may be weaving a tapestry that's just too complicated to follow.

Nosy Thanos

Fan theories suggest that ultra-bad-dude Thanos is aware of the planet of weaklings known as Earth, as well as the obstacle that Earth's heroes might present as he attempts to obliterate all life in the universe. However, Captain America: Civil War could be perfectly effective story if it just focuses on the moral difficulties of a world which now has to deal with very dangerous people. If Thanos has somehow been sowing seeds of discord among our heroes, that would be a major cop-out. Just let this one story be non-cosmic, please.

Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. Redux

Marvel's heroes spent a season of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. on the run from a corrupt and duplicitous government, which was either populated by HYDRA agents, or corrupt S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, or really mean dachshunds. It was hard to follow for a little while. Either way, another "on the run" storyline in the Marvel Cinematic Universe might be a little boring. Here's permission for Marvel to skew a little away from the comics in that regard. But not too far.

Captain America Lives

Spoiler alert! At the end of the Civil War comics, Captain America turns himself in after realizing how much destruction the intra-hero war has caused, and he's promptly killed by a sniper as he walks up the courthouse steps for his trial. Will Marvel murder one of their most profitable, A-list heroes for the sake of accuracy and drama? Will kids buy more action figures of dead guys than living guys? Here's hoping that the consequences for this war are huge, even if it means temporarily killing a cash cow.

Obvious Politics

The story of Civil War walks a line between pro-registration and anti-registration with amazing neutrality, allowing both sides to make cogent arguments. Much of this debate has obvious parallels to real world politics, with a very real angry divide running between very real people. Here's hoping that Hollywood's version of Civil War can maintain the same fair and balanced tone throughout, and not be spoiled by an overabundance of politics, either in the film or spilling out into the real world. No one needs to read your political rant in a Facebook post, champ. Unfollow.

An Overabundance Of Action

With this roster of characters, there's going to be a heck of a lot going on in Captain America: Civil War. While everyone loves a good action sequence, it can be like eating ten gallons of ice cream in one self-loathing sitting; you can have too much of a good thing. If we've learned anything from the Transformers franchise, it's that a million things happening on one screen can be a terrible, depressing thing. And that Shia LaBeouf will do anything for a dollar.