The Most Inappropriate Superhero Products Ever Sold
The revenue from tie-in merchandise surrounding big-budget superhero movies is almost as important as their box-office returns, which is why studios now license unusual branded product like Star Wars Revlon makeup and Star Trek coffins. But as odd as those products seem, they're at least appropriate for a certain type of fan. Superhero movies, while appealing to a broad audience, are extremely popular with kids, so you'd think their merchandise would be carefully designed and marketed to that innocent demographic. For the most part this is the case, but in some instances, these products miss the mark by a hilariously wide margin.
Wolverine Inflatable Hammer
Sometimes an unintended design flaw in a product is hard to spot at first. This is not the case with the Inflatable Wolverine Hammer. For some reason, they put the valve—you know, the part you blow into to inflate it—right on Wolverine's crotch. So, unless you want to explain to your kids how Logan got you to go straight to third base, go ahead and buy a bike pump to go along with this one.
DC Comics 1978 vintage Wonder Woman Children's Scissors
Arts and crafts time in the late '70s was apparently a bit different from today, because we have to imagine this pair of Wonder Woman scissors would spark a ton of questions from modern children. Questions like, "Doesn't this hurt her?" Or, "Why does daddy always keep these in the desk in his office?" Also, according to this ad on Sears' website, they actually restocked this item in December 2015, which begs an additional question: Sears is still a thing?
Whippin' Web-Chuk Spider-Man
Granted, this toy suffers from the unfortunate and perverted repositioning of his arms so that knuckleheads on the internet could snicker like middle schoolers, it's undeniable that these "web-chucks" look a little suspicious. And by suspicious we mean that only Shake Weights look more like adult novelties than these things, and that's before getting to the packaging that encourages you to "Squeeze Legs!" No thank you, Spidey. Go sling your web-things elsewhere.
Happy Meal Batman
Sometimes the price we pay for convenience is steep, and this Batman toy that came with a McDonald's Happy Meal is the perfect example. Sure, it's easier to shove nuggets and fries in your kid's face than it is to cook a healthy meal. But grilled chicken and steamed veggies will never land you in the guidance counselor's office, trying to explain why your son appeared to be touching himself on top of the monkey bars and screaming "Die, Riddler!"
Punisher Shape-Shifter
There is no conceivable reason this toy exists in real life. It has not one, but two ways it can be positioned to look like a sexual torture device that would be more at home in the movie Se7en than in a kid's toy box. We honestly don't know if the butt harpoon or the crotch rocket is worse, but they both look like something that belongs in an evidence bag.
The Avengers Cologne
Aside from making people gag in elevators, cologne is designed for one reason—to attract the ladies. Which is why it was a curious choice for Avengers-branded fragrances to go with slogans like "Your attack plan" and "Be angry" for their superhero musks. Those are aggressive at best and downright threatening at worst. If anything, the approach to a new courtship should be exciting and a little awkward, like anytime Hawkeye jumps off a building and fires an arrow at something that any one of his team members could have easily handled without him risking his life, or even just being there in general. Seriously, why do they have that guy?
Suicide Squad Lunchbox
Sending your kid to school with anything that has the word "suicide" on it isn't a terrific idea. And sure, these are probably supposed to be for ironic hipsters who want to pack up their homemade granola and acai trail mix lunch before waxing their fancy moustaches and riding their vintage Schwinns to work, but some parents will inevitably put their kid on the bus carrying one. The bright side here is at least the ensuing child protective services visit will be a fun story at family reunions for years to come.
Deadpool Onesie
There probably couldn't be a more inappropriate comic book character for kids than Deadpool. So the parent who decides to dress their infant in a onesie that not only features him, but also has letters written in dripping blood and a knife stabbing a heart, deserves every single supermarket eyeroll and playground sneer. We get it, you're the "cool" parent who's still into edgy stuff, but that novelty might be lost when your kid stops being invited to sleepovers.
Batman Folding Knife
On the left is an actual knife that includes marketing language like "EASY OPENING—With a flick of a switch the blade will come out ready for use immediately." On the right is a toy which does not feature easy-access stabbing weapons that kids shouldn't discover when they think they're just playing, but instead accidentally commit manslaughter. Any chance these two could ever get mixed up? Nah, we're probably overreacting. Seriously, though—even the Joker would find this toy reckless and irresponsible.
Spider-Man Shot Glass Tray
Here's another obviously marketed-to-adults product that features a brightly colored illustration of a character children love. And he's swinging his way right through eight little cups on a tray that Mommy and Daddy take out when their friends come over and the kids hide at the top of the steps to watch what they're doing even though they're supposed to be asleep. Oh wow, Mommy drank all the cups real fast and Daddy looks scared. Now Mommy's pointing at Daddy's pants and everyone but daddy is laughing. Drinking from the Spider-Man tray looks like so much fun!