Pokemon That Would Make Terrible Pets
In a fictional world where the entire economy is driven by legalized cockfighting, being a Pokémon really sucks. As a Pokémon, it's your inevitable fate to be captured, forced into fights, beaten to death, have your bones picked clean, and be resurrected for more of the same. That's real Pokémon science for you. Your only hope is to take the Carrot Top approach and make yourself as undesirable and annoying as possible. So, which terrible Pokémon would truly make the worst pets?
Koffing And Weezing
These two Pokémon are essentially balloons full of farts. Not only do they emit a poisonous gas as a weapon, but they actively seek out hot garbage and filth to fuel their disgusting sac-like bodies. Be careful, because these guys can easily explode and ruin all of your furniture. You're probably repulsive if they like being around you anyhow.
Positive: Can cover up the smell of your farts (but it's easier to just open a window).
Metapod
There's absolutely no reason to even give Metapod a name. A "Metapod" is the motionless chrysalis state between two other Pokémon, incapable of doing anything but laying there and collecting welfare. Metapod is the pet rock of the Pokémon world, cheapening all other Pokémon just by existing.
Positive: Great door stop, until it turns into a stupid butterfly.
Jigglypuff
Jigglypuff is a nauseating Pokémon, but awesome if you like having narcolepsy as a pet. Jigglypuff will sing you to sleep and then draw on your face like some kind of dudebro at a frat party. If you have a Jigglypuff as a pet, you will almost definitely go in to work with sharpie drawn on your face.
Positive: Cures insomnia...but you still get the face drawings.
Mr. Mime
Confirming that there is no god in Pokémon world, Mr. Mime is a Pokémon based on mankind's least favorite type of entertainment. If there were a Mr. Splinter Removal or a Mr. Eye Gouge, they would undoubtedly be more bearable than Mr. Mime, who is good at nothing but pretending it's trapped in a box, then slapping you if you interrupt its act.
Positive: Set him up on a street corner and earn a few bucks.
Diglett And Dugtrio
Pokémon scientists have not yet determined if these are potato-type or turd-type Pokémon, but these featureless, brown phalluses can never leave the dirt in which they live. The only thing creepier than a Diglett is a Dugtrio, which is a disgusting rat king of these dirt monsters joined together by even more dirt. At least they never come in the house.
Positive: Good for gardening. Or frying up, probably.
Gloom
Evolving from the adorable Oddish, which is the only Pokémon worth a damn, Gloom's foul odor can make humans faint over a mile away, rivaling even that of New Jersey. It constantly drools sticky sap, and its eyes appear to be swollen shut from its own pollen. If you're an allergy sufferer, you may as well just lay down and die right now.
Positive: Apparently a source for perfume ingredients, but who wants to squeeze one?
Magnemite And Magneton
Even though they look like robots, these Pokémon have actually been around for only 3000 years, which can only mean that they're pure evil and here to destroy us. They're attracted to electrical forces and will fry your hard drive, so make sure you backup your data and kill every Magnemite you see before they destroy the Internet from the inside.
Positive: Set one off to destroy all of your shameful, embarrassing files when you die.
Mewtwo
Some might argue that all cats have been genetically engineered to be evil, but Mewtwo is the heartless and cruel result of Pokémon gene splicing, designed for nothing but fighting. He's smarter than you, stronger than you, and doesn't care how you feel about it. Try having that as a pet and you'll be the one eating out of the bowl on the floor.
Positive: Great for submissives.
Jynx
Without a doubt the worst Pokémon of all time, Jynx is loved by no one ever. A Jynx is the size of a large human, so it would take up a lot of space, and it would never stop singing and trying to kiss you. Jynx is so horrible that its appearance actually caused three episodes of the show to be banned from airing in the United States. That's right: this Pokémon is so bad that it almost broke Pokémon itself.
Positive: The best Pokémon to send into battle because you can watch it die.