What True Fans Will Hate About 'Fantastic Four'
The Fantastic Four are the first family of comics, but despite their illustrious history of fighting interdimensional bad dudes in comics and cartoons, their films have always been an undeniable flop, no matter how hard Marvel tries. With 2015's Fantastic Four, will we finally break the curse? Comic nerds are already lining up to hate the film, but here are nine things that they'll probably REALLY hate.
They're "A Bunch Of Kids"
Despite all of the film's leads being around 30 years old, Michael B. Jordan, who plays The Human Torch, described the film as being about "a bunch of kids." While this mirrors the alternate-universe Ultimate Fantastic Four comics, true fans are more interested in an older and emotionally distant Mr. Fantastic with greying temples. We've seen the origin story a hundred times, so bring on the real sci-fi weirdness already. Galactus hungers... for box office profits!
Where's Mole Man?
If you're going to be true to the Fantastic Four's origin, their first big battle was against the squinty ruler of Subterranea, disgraced engineer Harvey Elder aka Mole Man. While Elder will appear in the film, he'll likely just be some lab tech caught in a huge cliché-splosion and not the chunky little monster we know and love. And the fact that he's not being played by Danny DeVito is a true tragedy.
The First Biological Family
Canonically, the Richards/Storm family that makes up three quarters of the Four are related by blood or marriage, with Ben Grimm (aka Thing) being a close pal of the trio. However, in Fantastic Four, Johnny Storm (aka The Human Torch) is of a different race than his comic counterpart. As it turns out, it's his sister Sue (The Invisible Woman) who's adopted into the Storm family. While this has no real impact on the team, it's never too early for some nerds to rage.
Blog Of Doom
Doctor Doom's path to villainy is a well-told tale of magic and technology merging to overcome tragedy, and eventually leading to despotic madness... but Fantastic Four has "modernized" Victor von Doom into Victor Domashev, a computer programmer who uses "Doom" as a screen name, presumably when he's writing nasty comments on YouTube kitten videos.
Race To The Stars
Instead of taking a rocket into space and being bombarded by weird cosmic rays, the new team gets caught up in a botched teleportation experiment and return home with weird powers. While this origin story sticks close to the Ultimate Fantastic Four storyline, true fans want a true reboot, sticking as close as possible to the 1961 origin story. We'll beat those Russians to the moon!
Who Needs Comics?
Director Josh Trank told Kate Mara that it wasn't important to read any comics about her character, the Invisible Woman, because fifty-plus years of character development couldn't possibly be important. Blindly following a script without any input about your character is always a recipe for success, right?
The Face Of Doom
Doctor Doom was rescued by Tibetan monks as he wandered the Earth following the accident that scarred his face, and during this time, Doom's signature mask and armor were forged. While this origin is a bit grandiose and silly, our glimpses of "modern" hacker Doom make him look like he bought his mask on eBay, leaving us wishing he was outbid at the last moment.
It's Not Canonical
Because of licensing rights, the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which includes The Avengers, Ant-Man, Agents of SHIELD, and Guardians of the Galaxy, can't touch anything that happens in this film, and vice versa. Fans invested in the larger Marvel Universe are already disinterested if the events here don't lead up to Thanos showing up with his big ol' Infinity Gauntlet, and disappointed that Mr. Fantastic can't play with the Cosmic Cube.
The Unfilmable Four
After three film flops, everyone's already dubious and leery of anyone trying to bring the F4 onto the big screen. The film's terrible legacy already precedes it, and the sting of disappointment never really goes away. For many, the film was dead as soon as it was announced as a "contemporary reimagining" of the story, because escapism is much harder when you're stuck in reality.