Dumbest As Seen On TV Items Ever

Everyone is familiar with the As Seen On TV products that have become cultural Americana at its finest, including the Snuggie, Shake Weight, and even Magic Mesh. But for each home run, there's a horrible strikeout that should've never been created, let alone be advertised on the airwaves. We've seen some weird As Seen On TV products before, but you're going to need a whole lot of OxiClean to purify your memories of these horrible inventions.

From the maker of Dump Cakes now comes Dump Meals, because if there's one word in the vast expanses of the English language that denotes a delicious delicacy, it's the word 'dump.' Dump Meals sound so appetizing we don't know why more restaurants don't feature them. Well, maybe it's a copyright issue. They might have to come up with a closely related knockoff like Splatter Platters or Painted Bowls. The possibilities are endless, really.

If someone told you they were going to wrap a device around your neck and use a pump to slowly increase the pressure and pull your head away from your shoulders, you'd probably wonder why your murderer was being so detailed and upfront about his plans. But you can rest easy if he's strapping the Neck Magic Air Cushion around your throat, because if he stops just short of blocking your airway, you'll experience soothing muscle relaxation and even headache relief!

Like Bowl Brite, Potty Putter attempts to tackle yet another of the many issues that failed inventors feel need to be addressed: spending too much time on the toilet. We always thought number two was a fairly simple transaction, but apparently some people feel that straddling the porcelain throne is just too much wasted time. Now, you can practice your golf putt while you poop, which will hopefully improve your skills. If you need more practice, go ahead and drag a toilet out onto the green. We're sure the country club will have no problem with that.

Everyone knows how challenging it is to bend down and pick up doggie doo-doo. In an attempt to alleviate this brutal task, here's a complicated harness system you attach to an excited, wiggling dog as he practically drags his owner out the door—all to hang a bag from the dog's butt, which the owner still has to bend down and pick up. So either wait to buy this product until Poo Trap version 2.0 possibly improves the design with a pulley system or, you know, just bend down and pick up your dog's crap.

Because dental hygiene should always come with an earworm capable of inspiring suicide, there's now a toothbrush that can play One Direction music with the push of a button. On top of being highly entertaining while removing plaque, this product offers the added bonus of infuriating everyone else whenever you brush your teeth. Just think of the minutes of fun you'll have fighting gingivitis while your wife scowls and silently considers smothering you with a pillow tonight. And the children won't be left out either as they'll undoubtedly be googling how to legally emancipate themselves from you. It's fun for the whole family!

Have you ever slept next to someone who snored so bad it sounded like a chainsaw being thrown into a woodchipper? And did that ever make you wish you could just strap a tight piece of elastic over their face, making them look like muzzled dog or a high school wrestler? Well, wish no more, because The Be Quiet Anti-Snore Strap is here! Not only does this device supposedly "reduce the snore" (read: it does nothing), but it also "helps you experience increased intimacy" for all those times your partner was going to wake you out of a dead sleep for sex, but decided not to because you were snoring so loud.

Be sure to check out the video for the hilariously unintentional reveal of a byproduct of this torture device: pain. You can clearly see the amateur actors in what is surely their first paid gig struggle to pull this apparatus over their face without painfully grimacing through their weirdly fake smiles. None of them can do it. But there is one use for this product we can think of: if someone broke into your home in the middle of the night to rob you and saw you sleeping with a pair of bike shorts wrapped around your face, they'd probably be incapacitated with uncontrollable laughter long enough for the cops to arrive.

Celebrity trainer Bobby Waldron, the dude up there in the camo dry-fit shirt and Burger King headset, developed this elastic strap that heats up your abs in order to "supercharge the calorie burning process." The Belly Burner is pretty ingenious, because it claims to work alongside any kind of physical exertion, which is kind of like leaving your hands on the steering wheel in a driverless car then later admiring your mastery of the road. To put it another way, if heating up your abs gets them ripped, then why doesn't everyone step out of a tanning bed looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Here's the best way to make the Belly Burner work: take it out of the box, wrap it around the half gallon of ice cream you were probably eating when you ordered it, and turn it on. Wait five minutes, then pour the contents of the carton down the drain. Congratulations, you're now on your way to losing belly fat.

Here's a situation we can all relate to. It's time to go Number Two, so you head into the bathroom with your phone, ready to dominate Candy Crush. As you ease onto the porcelain throne, you think to yourself, "Man, I wish this thing came with an ottoman." Well, wish no more, because the makers of Squatty Potty have answered with a toilet footstool designed to help with "the new healthy way of eliminating." They claim the product is doctor-recommended, and guarantee it'll give you "the best poop of your life." Clearly, the makers of Squatty Potty knew they couldn't sell this thing in a straightforward manner, so they made a commercial with an ice cream-pooping unicorn that's literally a three-minute marathon of poop jokes. It's hilarious and worth a watch and almost makes us feel like it actually isn't ridiculous to have our chin resting on our knees while we poop. Almost.

You can easily damage your ears by using a Q-tip wrong, so why not try this $6 vacuum that's made in China instead? Not surprisingly, over 50% of the Amazon ratings on this thing give it one star and range from "it's garbage" to "total junk." In their infomercial, they allege that the WaxVac can "gently draw dirt particles and moisture out of your ear," and they even feature a "doctor" to bolster their claims. So how does he describe the awesome benefits of the WaxVac? "Don't use a cotton swab in your ear, because it can cause significant damage," he says. That's it. He doesn't even mention the product he's in a commercial for, probably because medical malpractice lawsuits are expensive. Seriously, if you're going to buy what is essentially a medical device, should it be something that's sold alongside the Snuggie and the Bedazzler?

Developed using the same military technology that combats chemical warfare, the Better Marriage Blanket is a comforter that claims it eliminates the odor of flatulence. In between layers of cotton, there's activated carbon fabric that absorbs the each nighttime toot and then, we suppose, holds it there ostensibly forever. So sure, you won't smell it, but you'll be snuggled up in a fart sponge until you wash it, which is way grosser than enduring a dutch oven for a few seconds. Also, the product name sort of implies that marriages have been ruined over late-night air biscuits, which means somewhere out there is legal paperwork that cites "his awful butt trumpet" as grounds for divorce. We're going to need a copy of that in our hands before we even contemplate turning our bed into a literal fart box.

Here's another product there's just no sugarcoating—these are butt pillows. Sure, they're small, round pillows sewed into panties, but they're butt pillows nonetheless. If you were on a plane and you forgot your travel pillow, but you had a pair of these in your carry-on bag, you'd be golden. It's obvious that they achieve the desired effect, although we do feel like it's probably pretty alarming to someone who knows you well to see you sporting your bogus buttocks for the first time. It's going to be awkward when they go racing for an Epi-pen thinking you're deathly allergic and have fallen backwards into a beehive, and you have to tell them, "No, I'm okay! I just stuffed my pants because I wanted to look sexy!" And let's also be honest about one other thing while we're at it: the Kardashians are to blame for this, right? As if they haven't done enough already, now they've started a counterfeit keister craze.

Where do we even begin? Somehow, these things have stood the test of time. Originally marketed as the Chia Pet, these terra cotta abominations were possibly the very first ironic gift. Hipsters everywhere had them perched next to their vinyl record collections. Kindly grandmothers lovingly tended and watered the Chia they got for Christmas, seemingly oblivious to the rueful snickers of the grandkids as she unwrapped the moronic statuette. There have been innumerable versions since then and now, of course, there's a Donald Trump Chia.

\We don't know why they attempted this, because no earthly seed could grow into a plant that will look remotely close to the man's alien locks. His unholy tuft of spun gold somehow moves in every direction at once. It's like one of those 3D paintings where if you stare at it long enough something emerges, only in this case it's the cold realization that the President of the United States used to host a reality TV show. Why did you have to remind us, Chia? Why?